Community and Internal Locus: Finding Your Village

BY NICOLE LAU

The Psychology of Internal Locus: Why Most Suffering is Optional - Part IV: Parental Self-Work

"It takes a village to raise a child." This ancient wisdom is true - but what if your village transmits external locus? What if your community reinforces achievement pressure, comparison, conditional worth? What if the very people who should support you are undermining your child's internal locus foundation?

You need a village. But you need the right village. A community that affirms inherent worth, celebrates being over doing, supports internal locus parenting. This village might not be your biological family, your neighborhood, or your cultural community. You might have to build it from scratch.

Finding your internal locus village is essential parenting work. You cannot do this alone. You need people who get it, who support you, who model internal locus alongside you. Your village sustains you. Your village protects your child. Your village makes internal locus parenting possible.

Why You Need a Village

Internal locus parenting requires community support:

Validation: When everyone around you questions your parenting, you need people who affirm you're doing it right.

Modeling: Your child needs to see multiple adults modeling internal locus, not just you.

Practical Support: Childcare, meal trains, emergency help - from people who won't undermine your parenting.

Emotional Support: Someone to call when you're triggered, doubting yourself, exhausted from setting boundaries.

Shared Values: Community that shares your commitment to inherent worth, not achievement culture.

Belonging: You and your child both need to belong somewhere. Find community where you belong as you are.

Sustainability: You can't maintain internal locus parenting in isolation. Community makes it sustainable.

What Makes a Good Internal Locus Village

Your village should have these qualities:

Affirms Inherent Worth: People who believe worth is inherent, not earned. They celebrate being, not just doing.

Non-Judgmental: No comparison, no competition, no "my child is better than yours." Everyone's child is valuable.

Supports Your Parenting: They respect your choices even when different from theirs. No undermining.

Models Internal Locus: They have internal locus themselves. They're doing their own healing work.

Safe for Vulnerability: You can share struggles, doubts, failures without shame or judgment.

Diverse Perspectives: Different backgrounds, experiences, approaches - but aligned on core value of inherent worth.

Mutual Support: Give and receive. Not one-sided. Everyone contributes, everyone receives.

Where to Find Your Village

Look in these places:

Conscious Parenting Groups: Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting communities. Often aligned with internal locus values.

Therapy/Coaching Groups: Parenting support groups led by therapists who understand internal vs external locus.

Online Communities: Forums, social media groups, virtual support networks for parents doing this work.

Progressive Schools: Schools that prioritize social-emotional learning, growth mindset, inherent worth. Connect with other parents there.

Faith Communities: Some religious/spiritual communities emphasize inherent worth, unconditional love, grace over performance.

Activity-Based Communities: Not competitive sports, but collaborative activities. Art classes, nature groups, cooperative play spaces.

Neighborhood Connections: Individual families in your area who share your values. Build micro-village.

Work Connections: Colleagues who are also parents doing internal locus work. Mutual support.

Red Flags: Communities to Avoid

Some communities will undermine internal locus:

Competitive Parenting Culture: Constant comparison of children's achievements, milestones, success. Worth hierarchy.

Perfectionism: "Pinterest perfect" culture. Performance-based worth for parents and children.

Judgment and Criticism: Constant evaluation of parenting choices. Shame-based culture.

Achievement Obsession: All conversations about grades, awards, college admissions, future success.

Appearance Focus: Comments about children's bodies, looks, clothing. Worth tied to appearance.

Conditional Acceptance: You're only accepted if you conform. Difference is rejected.

Gossip and Drama: Toxic relational dynamics. Not safe for vulnerability.

Building Your Village from Scratch

If you don't have a village, create one:

1. Start Small: Find one other parent who shares your values. One person is a start.

2. Be Explicit: "I'm raising my child with internal locus. Are you interested in supporting each other in this?"

3. Create Structure: Regular meetups, group chat, shared activities. Intentional connection.

4. Invite Others: As you find aligned parents, invite them in. Village grows organically.

5. Define Values: Be clear about what your village stands for. Inherent worth, non-judgment, mutual support.

6. Model Vulnerability: Share your struggles. Create safe space for others to do same.

7. Celebrate Together: Not just achievements, but being. Celebrate existence, growth, effort, humanity.

Navigating Multiple Communities

You might belong to multiple communities with different values:

Discernment: Which communities support internal locus? Which undermine it? Be selective about involvement.

Boundaries: Limit exposure to external locus communities. Prioritize internal locus village.

Repair: After exposure to external locus community, repair with child. "That environment has different values than ours."

Find Pockets: Even in external locus community, find individual people who share your values. Build micro-connections.

Create Alternative: If your cultural/religious community is external locus, create alternative gathering with aligned families.

Online vs In-Person Village

Both have value:

Online Village Strengths: Access to people worldwide, 24/7 support, find niche communities, anonymity for vulnerability.

Online Village Limitations: Lack of physical presence, harder to build deep trust, screen fatigue, can't provide practical help.

In-Person Village Strengths: Physical presence, practical support, deeper connection, children play together, embodied community.

In-Person Village Limitations: Geographic constraints, scheduling challenges, harder to find aligned people locally.

Ideal: Both. Online for daily support and wider connection. In-person for deep relationships and practical help.

What to Share with Your Village

Vulnerability builds village:

Your Struggles: "I was triggered today and yelled at my kid. I'm working on it."

Your Doubts: "Sometimes I wonder if I'm too soft. Am I doing this right?"

Your Wins: "I set a boundary with my mom today and my worth stayed intact!"

Your Needs: "I need someone to watch my kid for an hour. I'm overwhelmed."

Your Learning: "I just realized this pattern in myself. Anyone else experience this?"

Your Gratitude: "Thank you for affirming my parenting. I needed that today."

Supporting Others in Your Village

Village is mutual:

Listen Without Fixing: Sometimes people need to be heard, not advised.

Affirm Their Worth: "You're a good parent. You're doing important work."

Offer Practical Help: Childcare, meals, errands. Actions, not just words.

Share Resources: Articles, books, therapists, tools that helped you.

Celebrate Their Wins: "You set that boundary! That's huge!"

Hold Space for Pain: When they're struggling, be present. Don't minimize or rush them through it.

Teaching Your Child About Village

Help your child understand community:

"These are our people. They share our values about worth."

"You can be yourself here. You don't have to perform or achieve to belong."

"Different communities have different values. This is our village - where inherent worth is celebrated."

"We help each other. That's what village does."

"You're learning from multiple adults who all believe you're inherently valuable."

When Village Disappoints

Sometimes village lets you down:

People Change: Someone you thought was aligned starts transmitting external locus. Reassess their role in your village.

Boundaries Violated: Village member undermines your parenting. Set boundary or remove them from village.

Unmet Expectations: You expected more support than you received. Communicate needs clearly or adjust expectations.

Conflict: Disagreements happen. Repair if possible. If not, it's okay to let people go.

Your Worth Stays Intact: Village disappointment doesn't diminish your worth or your parenting. You're still doing important work.

The Gift of Village

When you find your internal locus village:

Sustainability: You can maintain internal locus parenting long-term with support

Belonging: You and your child belong somewhere, exactly as you are

Modeling: Your child sees multiple adults living internal locus

Resilience: When you're struggling, village holds you

Joy: Parenting becomes less isolating, more joyful, more sustainable

You Deserve a Village

You deserve community that supports you. You deserve people who affirm your parenting, celebrate your child's inherent worth, hold you when you're struggling. You deserve a village.

If you don't have one yet, start building. One person at a time. One connection at a time. Your village is out there. Find them. Build with them. Belong with them.

You are not alone. Your village is waiting. Go find them.

This is community. This is belonging. This is internal locus village.