Trauma Bonding & Witchcraft: Breaking Free

BY NICOLE LAU

Trauma bonding is the intense emotional attachment that forms between an abuser and victim through cycles of abuse, devaluation, and intermittent reinforcement. It's not love—it's a survival response, an addiction, a psychological trap that keeps you bound to someone who harms you. For witches, trauma bonds can feel especially confusing because they mimic the intense spiritual connections we seek in our practice. But magic offers powerful tools for recognizing, understanding, and breaking these toxic bonds. Through cord cutting, clarity work, and deep healing, you can break free and reclaim your power.

IMPORTANT: This article is not a replacement for professional support. Trauma bonding is serious and often requires therapy and safety planning. Magic can support your healing, but please also seek professional help.

Understanding Trauma Bonding

What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment to an abuser, formed through repeated cycles of abuse and positive reinforcement.

Key characteristics:

• Intense attachment to someone who harms you
• Difficulty leaving despite knowing you should
• Making excuses for their behavior
• Feeling addicted to the relationship
• Experiencing withdrawal when apart
• Returning repeatedly despite abuse
• Feeling like you can't live without them

How Trauma Bonds Form

Trauma bonds are created through specific psychological mechanisms.

The process:

1. Intense beginning: Love bombing, idealization, you're soulmates
2. Abuse begins: Devaluation, criticism, manipulation
3. Intermittent reinforcement: Sometimes kind, sometimes cruel—unpredictable
4. Your brain gets addicted: The highs after lows create powerful neurochemical bonds
5. Isolation: You're cut off from support, making them your only source of validation
6. Learned helplessness: You believe you can't leave or survive without them
7. Bond solidifies: You're now trauma bonded

Why Trauma Bonds Are So Strong

Trauma bonds are often stronger than healthy relationships.

Why:

• Neurochemistry: The cycle creates dopamine addiction—your brain craves the highs
• Intermittent reinforcement: The most powerful form of conditioning
• Survival mechanism: Bonding to your abuser is a survival strategy
• Hope: You keep hoping they'll change back to the person they were at the beginning
• Investment: You've invested so much, leaving feels like losing everything
• Identity: Your sense of self becomes tied to them

Trauma Bonding vs. Love

Key Differences

Trauma bonds feel intense, but they're not love.

Trauma Bond:

• Feels like addiction
• Intense highs and lows
• You feel anxious and insecure
• You're constantly trying to earn their love
• You feel worse about yourself
• You're isolated from others
• You make excuses for their behavior
• You can't leave despite knowing you should
• Based on fear and need

Healthy Love:

• Feels like peace and safety
• Stable and consistent
• You feel secure and valued
• Love is freely given, not earned
• You feel better about yourself
• You're supported in other relationships
• You see them clearly, flaws and all
• You choose to stay, not feel trapped
• Based on mutual respect and care

The Confusion for Witches

Trauma bonds can feel like spiritual connections.

Why it's confusing:

• The intensity feels like a soul connection
• You may have psychic or energetic experiences with them
• They may use spiritual language ("twin flames," "karmic connection")
• The pain feels like spiritual growth or lessons
• You may believe you're meant to heal them
• The bond feels fated or destined

The truth: Spiritual connections don't harm you. Trauma bonds do.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

In the Relationship

Signs you're trauma bonded.

You might be trauma bonded if:

• You can't leave despite knowing you should
• You defend or make excuses for their abusive behavior
• You feel like you can't live without them
• You experience withdrawal symptoms when apart
• You keep returning after leaving
• You feel addicted to the relationship
• You prioritize their needs over your own safety
• You believe you can fix or save them
• You feel responsible for their emotions or behavior
• You've lost your sense of self

Your Thoughts and Feelings

Internal signs of trauma bonding.

Common thoughts:

• "They need me"
• "I can't abandon them"
• "They'll change"
• "No one else will love me"
• "I can't survive without them"
• "It's not always bad—sometimes it's amazing"
• "They're my soulmate/twin flame"
• "I'm meant to help them heal"

Physical and Emotional Effects

How trauma bonding affects you.

Effects:

• Anxiety and hypervigilance
• Depression
• Physical symptoms (headaches, stomach issues, fatigue)
• Difficulty concentrating
• Emotional dysregulation
• Loss of identity
• Isolation from support systems
• Feeling like you're going crazy

Breaking Trauma Bonds

Why It's So Hard

Breaking trauma bonds is one of the hardest things you'll do.

Challenges:

• Your brain is literally addicted
• You'll experience withdrawal
• You'll doubt yourself constantly
• You'll want to go back
• They'll hoover (try to pull you back)
• You'll grieve the person you thought they were
• It takes time—be patient with yourself

No Contact is Essential

You cannot break a trauma bond while still in contact.

No contact means:

• No phone calls, texts, emails
• No social media contact or stalking
• No contact through third parties
• No "closure" conversations
• Complete separation

Why it's necessary:

• Any contact reactivates the bond
• Your brain needs time to detox
• They will manipulate you if given the chance
• You cannot heal while still connected
• No contact is self-protection

The Withdrawal Period

Breaking a trauma bond causes withdrawal like breaking an addiction.

Withdrawal symptoms:

• Intense cravings to contact them
• Physical pain and discomfort
• Anxiety and panic
• Obsessive thoughts about them
• Difficulty sleeping
• Feeling like you can't survive
• Romanticizing the relationship

This is normal. It will pass. Stay strong.

Magical Practices for Breaking Free

Cord Cutting Ritual

Cut the energetic cords that bind you.

Ritual:

1. Create sacred space
2. Light a black candle (cutting, endings, protection)
3. Visualize the trauma bond as thick, dark cords connecting you
4. See where they attach (often heart, solar plexus, root)
5. Acknowledge what the bond gave you (even if it was toxic)
6. Speak: "This bond is not love. This bond is trauma. I release it."
7. With a ritual knife, scissors, or visualization, cut each cord
8. Speak: "I cut all cords between us. I am free. You have no hold on me."
9. Visualize the cords dissolving completely
10. Call back all your energy, power, and pieces of self
11. Send their energy back to them
12. Seal your energy field with protective light
13. Ground deeply

Repeat as needed—trauma bonds are stubborn.

Addiction Breaking Spell

Break the addictive cycle.

Spell:

1. Write about the addiction—how you crave them, the highs and lows
2. Read it aloud—acknowledge the addiction
3. Speak: "This is not love. This is addiction. I break this cycle. I am free."
4. Burn the paper safely
5. As it burns, visualize the addiction dissolving
6. Speak: "I am free from this addiction. I choose myself. I am whole without them."
7. Ground and close

Clarity Spell

See the relationship clearly, without the fog of trauma bonding.

Spell:

1. Light a white candle (clarity, truth)
2. Hold clear quartz or amethyst
3. Speak: "I see clearly. The fog lifts. I see this relationship for what it truly is—not what I hoped it would be. I see the truth."
4. Visualize fog lifting, revealing clear vision
5. Ask yourself: "What is the truth of this relationship?"
6. Listen to what arises
7. Trust what you see clearly

Self-Love Reclamation

Rebuild your sense of self-worth.

Ritual:

1. Light a pink candle (self-love)
2. Hold rose quartz
3. Look in a mirror
4. Speak: "I am worthy of real love. I am enough. I choose myself. I love myself. I am whole without them."
5. Place hand on heart
6. Feel love flowing to yourself—not from them, from YOU
7. Speak: "I am my own source of love. I am complete."
8. Repeat daily

Healing Practices

Grieve the Fantasy

You're not grieving who they were—you're grieving who you hoped they'd be.

Grief practice:

• Acknowledge you're grieving a fantasy, not reality
• Let yourself feel the loss
• Cry, rage, mourn
• Write letters you don't send
• Create art about your grief
• Be gentle with yourself
• Grief is part of healing

Reclaim Your Identity

Trauma bonding erases your sense of self. Reclaim it.

Identity reclamation:

• Who were you before them?
• What did you love that you gave up?
• What are your values, separate from them?
• What do YOU want, not what they wanted?
• Reconnect with old friends and interests
• Discover new parts of yourself
• You are not defined by this relationship

Rebuild Your Support System

Trauma bonding isolates you. Reconnect.

Reconnection:

• Reach out to people you've lost touch with
• Apologize if you pushed them away
• Join support groups for abuse survivors
• Find a therapist who understands trauma bonding
• Build new, healthy relationships
• Let people support you

Resisting the Hoover

What is Hoovering?

Hoovering is when the abuser tries to suck you back in (like a Hoover vacuum).

Common hoovering tactics:

• Love bombing again—"I've changed," "I miss you," "You're my soulmate"
• Apologies and promises
• Gifts and grand gestures
• Playing victim—"I can't live without you," "I'll hurt myself"
• Threats—"You'll never find anyone else," "I'll ruin you"
• Using others to contact you (flying monkeys)
• Creating emergencies or crises

Resisting the Hoover

Stay strong when they try to pull you back.

Strategies:

• Remember why you left—keep a list
• Block them on everything
• Don't respond to any contact
• Reach out to your support system
• Use your magical protections
• Remember: they haven't changed, this is manipulation
• Stay no contact no matter what

Anti-Hoover Spell

Protect yourself from their attempts to pull you back.

Spell:

1. Light a black candle (protection, boundaries)
2. Hold black tourmaline
3. Speak: "Your attempts to reach me fail. Your manipulation has no power. I am protected from your hoovering. I am immune to your tactics. I am free and I stay free."
4. Visualize a shield around you that repels their energy
5. Reinforce whenever they try to contact you

Working with Professional Support

Therapy for Trauma Bonding

Professional support is crucial.

Look for therapists who:

• Specialize in trauma bonding or abusive relationships
• Understand C-PTSD
• Are trained in trauma-focused modalities (EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, IFS)
• Validate your experience
• Don't suggest couples therapy (dangerous with abusers)
• Support your no contact decision

Support Groups

Connect with others who understand.

Benefits:

• You're not alone
• Others have been through this
• Validation and understanding
• Shared strategies
• Hope—others have healed, you can too
• Accountability for staying no contact

Education

Learn about trauma bonding and abuse.

Understanding helps:

• You see the patterns clearly
• You understand it's not your fault
• You recognize manipulation tactics
• You know what to expect in healing
• Knowledge is power

Crystals for Breaking Free

Cord Cutting Stones

Obsidian: Cuts cords, reveals truth, protection, grounding
Black Kyanite: Cuts cords, clears energy, doesn't hold negativity
Labradorite: Protection, deflects manipulation, mystical shield
Selenite: Cleansing, clarity, cord cutting, high vibration

Healing Stones

Rose Quartz: Self-love, heart healing, gentle healing
Rhodonite: Emotional healing, forgiveness of self, heart healing
Malachite: Deep trauma healing, transformation (use carefully)
Lepidolite: Calming, soothing, emotional balance, contains lithium

Strength & Protection Stones

Black Tourmaline: Protection, grounding, shields from toxic energy
Tiger's Eye: Personal power, protection, confidence, grounding
Carnelian: Personal power, courage, vitality, motivation
Smoky Quartz: Grounding, transmutes negativity, gentle protection

Self-Compassion for Survivors

You Are Not Weak

Trauma bonding is not a character flaw.

Remember:

• Trauma bonding is a survival response
• It's neurochemistry, not weakness
• Anyone can be trauma bonded
• You're not stupid or naive
• You're human and you were manipulated
• You deserve compassion, not judgment

Affirmations for Breaking Free

• I am breaking free from this trauma bond
• I choose myself
• I am worthy of real love
• I am strong enough to leave
• I can survive without them
• This is not love—this is trauma
• I reclaim my power
• I am whole without them
• I am free
• I am healing

Messages for Those Breaking Free

• This is not love—this is trauma bonding
• You are not weak—you are surviving
• You can leave—you are strong enough
• No contact is essential—stay strong
• Withdrawal is temporary—healing is permanent
• You deserve real love, not trauma
• You are not alone
• You can heal from this
• You are worthy of freedom
• Choose yourself

Conclusion

Trauma bonding is an intense emotional attachment formed through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement. It's not love—it's a survival response and an addiction that keeps you bound to someone who harms you. Through understanding trauma bonds, practicing no contact, cutting energetic cords, healing deeply, and seeking professional support, you can break free and reclaim your life. You are not weak. You are not alone. You can heal. You deserve real love, safety, and freedom.

Cut the cords. Choose yourself. Break free. You are worthy of real love. You are strong enough to leave. You can heal.