Chores and Internal Locus: Contribution, Not Earning Love
BY NICOLE LAU
Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12
Chores are about contribution, not earning love. This is internal locus applied to household responsibilities. When children do chores because they're part of the family - because they belong and contribute - they develop internal locus and sense of belonging. When chores are tied to earning love, allowance, or proving worth, they develop external locus and transactional relationships. Your job is to teach: "You contribute because you belong. We're a team. Your help matters." Not: "You must work to be valued."
Why Transactional Chores Create External Locus
Earning Love: "I must do chores to be loved/valued." Makes love conditional. External locus.
Worth = Performance: "I'm only valuable if I do my chores perfectly." Worth depends on performance. External locus.
Transactional Relationship: "I do this, you give me that." Prevents genuine contribution and belonging. External locus.
Lost Belonging: "I'm only part of family if I earn my place." Belonging becomes conditional. External locus.
How to Approach Chores with Internal Locus
1. Contribution Because You Belong
What to Teach:
- "You contribute because you're part of this family"
- "We all help because we all belong"
- "Your contribution matters"
- "We're a team"
Why: Contribution from belonging builds internal locus. Earning through work creates external locus.
2. Everyone Contributes
What to Show:
- Parents do chores too
- Everyone has age-appropriate tasks
- Family works together
- No one is exempt
Why: Shared contribution builds teamwork and belonging. Internal locus.
3. Separate Chores from Allowance
What to Do:
- Chores are family contribution (expected)
- Allowance is for financial literacy (separate)
- Don't pay for regular chores
- Can offer paid opportunities for extra tasks
Why: Separating prevents transactional relationship. Contribution stays about belonging, not earning.
4. Appreciate, Don't Reward
What to Say:
- "Thank you for helping"
- "I appreciate your contribution"
- "We couldn't do this without you"
- "You're such an important part of our team"
Not: Rewards, prizes, payment for regular chores
Why: Appreciation acknowledges contribution. Rewards make it transactional.
5. Age-Appropriate Expectations
What to Assign:
- Tasks they can actually do
- Increasing responsibility with age
- Teach skills, don't just demand
- Adjust as they grow
Why: Appropriate tasks build competence and contribution. Too hard creates frustration.
Age-Appropriate Chores
Ages 6-8:
- Make bed
- Put away toys and clothes
- Set/clear table
- Feed pets
- Simple tidying
- Help with laundry (sorting, folding)
Ages 9-12:
- All of above plus:
- Clean room independently
- Do dishes
- Take out trash
- Vacuum/sweep
- Help with meal prep
- Care for younger siblings
- Yard work
What NOT to Do
Don't Tie Love to Chores: "I love you when you help." Makes love conditional. External locus.
Don't Use as Punishment: "You didn't behave, so extra chores." Creates resentment and external locus.
Don't Make It Transactional: "Do chores, get allowance." Prevents genuine contribution.
Don't Shame: "You're so lazy!" "Why can't you help?" Creates shame and external locus.
When They Don't Do Chores
Natural Consequences:
- Toys not put away β can't get new ones out
- Dishes not done β no clean dishes for next meal
- Laundry not in hamper β doesn't get washed
Conversation:
- "We all contribute. What's making it hard for you to help?"
- "How can we make this work better?"
- "We need your help. You're part of this team."
Not: Yelling, shaming, withdrawing love
Building Teamwork
Work Together: Do chores alongside them, not just assigning
Make It Pleasant: Music, conversation, connection while working
Celebrate Completion: "We did it! Team effort!"
Rotate Tasks: Everyone tries different chores, learns different skills
The Bottom Line
Approach chores as contribution, not earning love. Contribute because you belong, everyone contributes, separate chores from allowance, appreciate don't reward, age-appropriate expectations. Chores build internal locus when they're about belonging and teamwork. Chores create external locus when they're transactional or tied to earning love. Your child contributes because they're part of the family, not because they must earn their place.
Next: Failure and Internal Locus - Learning Without Shame
Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.
β Nicole Lau, 2026
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