Mentorship: Finding & Being a Guide

BY NICOLE LAU

The Sacred Relationship of Mentorship

A mentor is not a guru. A mentor is a guide—someone who has walked the path before you and can help you navigate it. They don't do the work for you. They don't claim to have all answers. They walk beside you, share what they've learned, and support your unique journey.

Mentorship is one of the most powerful forms of mystery transmission—personal, relational, and transformative.

This is your guide to finding a mentor and being a mentor.

Part 1: Finding a Mentor

Why You Need a Mentor

Reason 1: Avoid Common Pitfalls

A mentor has made mistakes you haven't yet. They can help you avoid unnecessary suffering.

Reason 2: Personalized Guidance

Books are general. A mentor tailors guidance to your specific situation, challenges, and gifts.

Reason 3: Accountability

It's easy to skip practice alone. A mentor holds you accountable with compassion.

Reason 4: Verification

When you have an insight or experience, a mentor can verify: "Yes, that's gnosis" or "That's ego—keep working."

Reason 5: Transmission Beyond Words

Some things can only be transmitted presence-to-presence, not through text.

What to Look for in a Mentor

Quality 1: They've Done the Work

• Visible evidence of transformation in their life
• Ongoing personal practice (not just teaching)
• Humility about their journey

Quality 2: Clear Boundaries

• Professional, ethical conduct
• No sexual advances or financial exploitation
• Respects your autonomy

Quality 3: They Empower, Not Create Dependency

• Encourages your independence
• Wants you to eventually outgrow them
• Celebrates your successes

Quality 4: Lineage and Humility

• Acknowledges their own teachers
• Respects traditions they teach from
• Says "I don't know" when appropriate

Quality 5: Resonance

• You feel safe with them
• Their teaching style matches your learning style
• Intuitive sense of "yes, this person"

Red Flags: Avoid These "Mentors"

Red Flag 1: Guru Complex

• Demands worship or unquestioning obedience
• Claims to be enlightened or special
• No accountability or peer review

Red Flag 2: Boundary Violations

• Sexual advances or inappropriate relationships
• Financial exploitation or pressure
• Emotional manipulation

Red Flag 3: Isolation

• Discourages you from other teachers or communities
• Creates "us vs. them" mentality
• Punishes you for questioning

Red Flag 4: Spiritual Bypassing

• All "love and light," avoids shadow work
• Uses spirituality to avoid real-world responsibility
• Promises easy enlightenment

Red Flag 5: No Personal Practice

• Teaches but doesn't practice
• Life doesn't reflect teachings
• Stagnant, not growing

How to Find a Mentor

Method 1: Through Community

• Join mystery school, study circle, or spiritual community
• Observe who embodies the work
• Build relationship naturally over time
• Ask if they offer mentorship

Method 2: Through Teachers

• Take classes or workshops
• If you resonate, ask about one-on-one work
• Start with short-term (3-6 months) to test fit

Method 3: Through Lineage

• Research traditions you're drawn to
• Find authorized teachers in those lineages
• Reach out respectfully

Method 4: Organic Connection

• Sometimes mentors appear when you're ready
• Stay open, trust synchronicity
• But also take initiative—don't just wait

How to Approach a Potential Mentor

Step 1: Do Your Research

• Study their work, read their writings
• Understand their approach and lineage
• Make sure there's genuine alignment

Step 2: Reach Out Respectfully

Sample message:

"Dear [Name],

I've been studying [tradition/topic] for [time period] and have found your work on [specific teaching] deeply resonant. I'm particularly drawn to [specific aspect].

I'm seeking mentorship to deepen my practice, especially around [specific area]. Would you be open to a conversation about the possibility of working together? I understand if your schedule doesn't allow it, and I'm grateful for your teachings regardless.

With respect,
[Your name]"

Step 3: Be Prepared for "No"

• Good mentors have limited capacity
• "No" doesn't mean you're unworthy
• Ask if they can recommend someone else

Step 4: If "Yes," Clarify Expectations

• Frequency of meetings
• Duration of mentorship (6 months? 1 year? Ongoing?)
• Cost (if any)
• Communication methods
• What you're working on together

How to Be a Good Mentee

Responsibility 1: Do the Work

• Complete practices assigned
• Come prepared to sessions
• Take notes, integrate teachings

Responsibility 2: Be Honest

• Share struggles, not just successes
• Admit when you didn't do the work
• Ask real questions, not performative ones

Responsibility 3: Respect Boundaries

• Don't contact outside agreed times (unless emergency)
• Pay on time (if there's a fee)
• Don't expect them to be available 24/7

Responsibility 4: Question Respectfully

• Healthy questioning is good
• But don't argue just to argue
• Try the practice before dismissing it

Responsibility 5: Know When to Move On

• Mentorship isn't forever
• When you've learned what you need, graduate with gratitude
• Or if it's not working, end it respectfully

Part 2: Being a Mentor

When Are You Ready to Mentor?

Prerequisite 1: You've Been Mentored

• You've experienced good mentorship yourself
• You understand the relationship from both sides

Prerequisite 2: Sufficient Experience

• Generally 5-10+ years of serious practice
• You've walked descent-ascent at least once
• You have embodied wisdom, not just book knowledge

Prerequisite 3: Clear Motivation

• You want to serve, not be worshipped
• You're willing to do the work of mentoring
• You have time and energy to give

Prerequisite 4: Ongoing Growth

• You still have your own practice and teachers
• You're not stagnant
• You model lifelong learning

The Mentor's Responsibilities

Responsibility 1: Hold Space

• Create safe container for mentee's process
• Don't absorb their emotions
• Witness without judgment

Responsibility 2: Tailor Guidance

• What works for you may not work for them
• Adapt teachings to their unique path
• Meet them where they are

Responsibility 3: Challenge Appropriately

• Push them to grow, but don't break them
• Know the difference between healthy discomfort and harm
• Adjust based on their capacity

Responsibility 4: Maintain Boundaries

• No sexual relationships
• Clear financial agreements
• Professional compassion, not friendship (during mentorship)

Responsibility 5: Empower Independence

• Your goal: they don't need you anymore
• Encourage their own practice and discernment
• Celebrate when they outgrow you

Mentorship Structure Options

Option 1: Formal Mentorship (Contracted)

Structure:

• Set duration (6 months, 1 year)
• Regular meetings (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly)
• Clear curriculum or focus area
• Fee for service (or donation-based)

Best for: Serious, committed work

Option 2: Informal Mentorship (Organic)

Structure:

• No formal contract
• Meetings as needed
• Relationship-based, flexible
• Often no fee (or minimal)

Best for: Community-based, less intensive

Option 3: Group Mentorship

Structure:

• One mentor, 3-6 mentees
• Group meetings + occasional one-on-one
• Peer learning alongside mentor guidance

Best for: Building community, shared learning

Sample Mentorship Session Structure (60-90 min)

Opening (5 min)

• Ground together (breathwork, brief meditation)
• Set intention for session

Check-In (10 min)

• Mentee shares: How's your practice? What's alive? What's challenging?

Teaching/Guidance (30-40 min)

• Address specific questions or challenges
• Introduce new practice or concept
• Work through stuck points

Practice Assignment (10 min)

• What will mentee practice before next session?
• Clear, specific, achievable

Closing (5 min)

• Summary of key insights
• Gratitude
• Confirm next meeting

Common Mentorship Challenges

Challenge: Mentee Becomes Dependent

Solution: Gently push toward independence, reduce frequency, empower their own discernment

Challenge: Mentee Doesn't Do the Work

Solution: Address directly, explore resistance, consider ending mentorship if chronic

Challenge: Projection (Positive or Negative)

Solution: Name it, work through it, maintain clear boundaries

Challenge: You Don't Know the Answer

Solution: Say "I don't know," explore together, refer to other resources

Challenge: Mentee Outgrows You

Solution: Celebrate! Help them find next teacher. This is success, not failure.

Ending Mentorship Gracefully

When to End

• Natural completion of agreed term
• Mentee has learned what they needed
• Relationship isn't working (either side)
• Boundary violations
• Life circumstances change

How to End

1. Acknowledge the work done: What was learned, how both grew
2. Express gratitude: For the relationship and teachings
3. Offer blessing: For next stage of journey
4. Stay connected (optional): Transition to peer relationship or friendly distance

The Path Forward

Mentorship provides:

• Personalized guidance: Tailored to your unique path
• Accountability: Support to stay committed
• Transmission: Wisdom passed person-to-person
• Relationship: Sacred bond of teacher and student

If you're seeking: Be discerning, be committed, be honest.

If you're offering: Be humble, be boundaried, be empowering.

The mentor-mentee relationship is sacred.

Honor it.