Success and Internal Locus: Celebrating Without Attachment

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

Success doesn't increase worth, just as failure doesn't decrease it. This is internal locus applied to achievement. When children can celebrate success without worth depending on it - when they can win, achieve, accomplish AND know their worth was already intact - they develop healthy relationship with success and internal locus. When worth inflates with success, they develop external locus, superiority, and devastation when success ends. Your job is to teach: "Celebrate your success. Enjoy it. AND your worth doesn't depend on it. You were valuable before, during, and after success."

Why Success-Based Worth Creates External Locus

Worth = Achievement: "I'm only valuable when I succeed." Worth depends on outcomes. External locus.

Identity Fusion: "I am my achievements." When success ends, identity crumbles. External locus.

Superiority: "I'm better than others because I succeeded." Comparison-based worth. External locus.

Fear of Losing Success: "If I stop succeeding, I'll be worthless." Anxiety and pressure. External locus.

How to Celebrate Success with Internal Locus

1. Worth Unchanged by Success

What to Teach:

- "You succeeded! That's wonderful. AND your worth doesn't depend on it."

- "You were valuable before you won. You're valuable now. You'll be valuable if you lose next time."

- "Success doesn't make you more valuable. You were already valuable."

- "Celebrate the achievement. Your worth is separate."

Why: Explicit separation prevents worth-success fusion. Internal locus.

2. Celebrate Effort, Not Just Outcome

What to Say:

- "You worked so hard for this!"

- "Your effort paid off"

- "You persisted and it worked"

- "I'm proud of how hard you tried"

Why: Effort focus keeps it about process, not just outcome. Internal locus.

3. Practice Gratitude and Humility

What to Teach:

- "Be grateful for this success"

- "You worked hard AND you were fortunate"

- "Success doesn't make you better than others"

- "Stay humble. Others are valuable too."

Why: Gratitude and humility prevent superiority. Internal locus for all.

4. Acknowledge It's Temporary

What to Teach:

- "Enjoy this success. It won't last forever, and that's okay."

- "Sometimes you'll succeed, sometimes you won't. Your worth stays constant."

- "Success comes and goes. Your value doesn't."

Why: Acknowledging impermanence prevents attachment and devastation when success ends.

5. Model Healthy Success Response

What to Show:

- Celebrate your successes without superiority

- Show gratitude and humility

- Worth stable through your successes

- Gracious winning

Why: Children learn from what you do. Model internal locus with success.

What NOT to Do

Don't Inflate Worth: "You're so special because you won!" Ties worth to winning. External locus.

Don't Create Superiority: "You're better than everyone else!" Comparison-based worth. External locus.

Don't Make It Identity: "You're a winner!" "You're the best!" Fuses identity with achievement. External locus.

Don't Only Show Love When They Succeed: Conditional love creates external locus.

Balanced Celebration

Do Celebrate: Success is worth celebrating! Enjoy it!

AND Maintain Perspective:

- Worth was already there

- Effort matters more than outcome

- Gratitude and humility

- Success is temporary

- Others are valuable too

The Balance: Full celebration with grounded worth. This is internal locus.

When Success Becomes Pressure

Sometimes success creates pressure to keep succeeding:

If Child Says: "I have to keep winning"

- "You don't have to keep winning to be valuable. Your worth doesn't depend on success."

If Anxiety About Maintaining Success:

- "It's okay if you don't succeed next time. You'll still be valuable."

- "Your worth is constant. Success fluctuates. That's normal."

If Identity Fused with Achievement:

- "You're not your achievements. You're valuable for who you are, not what you accomplish."

The Bottom Line

Celebrate success without attachment to it. Worth unchanged by success, celebrate effort not just outcome, practice gratitude and humility, acknowledge it's temporary, model healthy success response. Success is wonderful - enjoy it! AND worth doesn't depend on it. This is internal locus - celebrating achievement while knowing worth was already intact, will remain intact, and doesn't fluctuate with outcomes. Your child can succeed and celebrate without worth depending on success.

---

Next: Comparison and Internal Locus - Your Unique Path

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026