Avoiding Conditional Approval: No "Good Baby" vs "Bad Baby"

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

"Good baby!" when quiet. "Bad baby!" when crying. These innocent-seeming labels create profound harm. They teach babies that their worth changes based on behavior - the foundation of external locus. Babies aren't good or bad. They're babies with needs, expressing themselves the only way they can. When you avoid labeling babies as good/bad and instead accept all states without judgment, you teach them their worth is inherent, not conditional. This is internal locus.

Why "Good Baby" vs "Bad Baby" is Harmful

Creates Conditional Worth: Baby learns "I'm good (valuable) when I'm quiet/easy. I'm bad (worthless) when I'm fussy/difficult." This is external locus.

Teaches Shame: Being labeled "bad" creates shame. Baby learns parts of themselves are unacceptable. This damages self-worth.

Prevents Authentic Expression: Baby learns to suppress needs and feelings to be "good." This disconnects them from their authentic self.

Creates Anxiety: Baby becomes anxious about being "bad." They try to control their behavior to maintain "good" status. This is external locus anxiety.

What Conditional Approval Looks Like

"Good Baby" Labels:

- "You're such a good baby!" (when quiet)

- "Good girl/boy!" (when compliant)

- "You're being so good!" (when not crying)

- Warmth only when baby is easy

"Bad Baby" Labels:

- "Bad baby!" (when crying)

- "You're being difficult!" (when fussy)

- "Why can't you be good?" (when expressing needs)

- Coldness when baby is challenging

Comparison:

- "Why can't you be like [other baby]?"

- "[Other baby] is so much better behaved"

- Praising other babies to shame yours

What Unconditional Acceptance Looks Like

1. No Good/Bad Labels

Instead of: "Good baby!" (when quiet)

Say: "You're peaceful right now" or "I love being with you"

Instead of: "Bad baby!" (when crying)

Say: "You're having a hard time. I'm here."

2. Accepting All States

When Baby is Calm: "I love you."

When Baby is Crying: "I love you."

When Baby is Fussy: "I love you."

When Baby is Difficult: "I love you."

Your love and acceptance don't change based on baby's state.

3. Describing Behavior, Not Judging Worth

Instead of: "You're being bad"

Say: "You're crying. You might be tired/hungry/uncomfortable."

Instead of: "You're such a good baby"

Say: "You're resting peacefully" or "You seem content"

4. Validating All Feelings

When Baby Cries: "It's okay to cry. I'm here. You're safe."

When Baby is Fussy: "You're having a hard time. That's okay. I'm with you."

When Baby is Upset: "Your feelings are valid. I accept all of you."

5. Constant Warmth

Your warmth, affection, and love remain constant whether baby is:

- Quiet or crying

- Easy or difficult

- Calm or fussy

- Sleeping or awake

Understanding Baby Behavior

Crying is Communication: Not manipulation. Not being "bad." Baby is expressing a need the only way they can.

Fussiness is Normal: All babies are fussy sometimes. It doesn't mean they're "bad" or you're failing.

Difficulty is Developmental: Some babies are more sensitive, intense, or challenging. This is temperament, not worth.

All States are Valid: Baby doesn't have to be quiet, easy, or calm to be valuable. They're valuable in all states.

Practical Language Shifts

Instead of "Good baby":

- "I love you"

- "I love being with you"

- "You're amazing"

- "I'm so glad you're here"

Instead of "Bad baby":

- "You're having a hard time"

- "I'm here with you"

- "It's okay to feel upset"

- "I love you even when you're struggling"

Instead of "Why can't you be good?":

- "What do you need?"

- "I'm here to help"

- "Let's figure this out together"

- "You're safe with me"

When Others Use Good/Bad Labels

Grandparents/Family: Gently redirect. "We don't use good/bad labels. Baby is just expressing needs."

Friends: Model different language. "I prefer to say 'baby is peaceful' rather than 'good baby.'"

Strangers: You can let it go or briefly educate. Protect your baby from internalizing these labels.

The Bottom Line

Avoid labeling babies as "good" or "bad." These labels create conditional worth and external locus. Instead, accept all states without judgment. Describe behavior without judging worth. Validate all feelings. Maintain constant warmth. Your baby isn't good or bad - they're a baby with needs, expressing themselves authentically. Their worth is inherent, not conditional. This is the foundation of internal locus.

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Next: Respecting Baby's Signals - Honoring Their Communication

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026