Forgiveness Work: When and How (And When Not To)

BY NICOLE LAU

"You need to forgive." "Forgiveness will set you free." "Holding onto anger only hurts you."

These statements are everywhere in spiritual communities. Forgiveness is presented as the ultimate healing, the final step, the sign you've truly moved on.

But here's what they don't tell you: premature forgiveness is spiritual bypassing. Forced forgiveness is retraumatizing. And sometimes, forgiveness isn't necessary for healing at all.

Forgiveness is complex, nuanced, and deeply personal. It's not a requirement. It's not a timeline. And it's definitely not something you do to make other people comfortable.

This is your complete guide to forgiveness work—when it serves you, how to do it authentically, and when NOT to do it.

What Forgiveness Is (And Isn't)

What Forgiveness IS

• Releasing resentment: Letting go of the desire for revenge or punishment
• Accepting what happened: Acknowledging the reality without denying it
• Freeing yourself: No longer being controlled by anger or bitterness
• A process: Not a one-time decision, but ongoing work
• For YOU: Done for your own peace, not for the other person

What Forgiveness Is NOT

• NOT condoning: Forgiveness doesn't mean what they did was okay
• NOT forgetting: You can forgive and still remember
• NOT reconciliation: You can forgive without resuming the relationship
• NOT required: You can heal without forgiving
• NOT immediate: Forgiveness takes time, sometimes years
• NOT for them: You don't forgive to make the perpetrator feel better

When NOT to Forgive

When You're Not Ready

Premature forgiveness is spiritual bypassing.

If you haven't fully felt your anger, grief, or pain, forgiveness is just avoidance. You need to feel it before you can release it.

When You're Still in Danger

If the person is still harming you, focus on safety, not forgiveness.

Get out. Get safe. Protect yourself. Forgiveness can wait.

When It's Being Forced on You

If someone is pressuring you to forgive ("You need to let it go," "It's time to move on"), that's manipulation.

Forgiveness is YOUR choice, on YOUR timeline. No one else gets to decide when you're ready.

When It Would Harm You

Sometimes forgiveness means letting someone back into your life, which isn't safe.

You can release resentment without reconciling. You can heal without forgiving.

When You Don't Want To

You're allowed to not forgive.

Some things are unforgivable. Some people don't deserve forgiveness. And that's okay. You can still heal.

When Forgiveness Might Serve You

When Anger Is Consuming You

If resentment is taking up so much space that you can't live your life, forgiveness might free you.

Not for them. For you. So you can reclaim your energy.

When You're Ready to Let Go

When you've fully felt the pain and you're ready to release it, forgiveness can be the final release.

This is authentic forgiveness, not bypassing.

When You Want to Reclaim Your Power

Holding onto resentment keeps you tied to the person who hurt you. Forgiveness cuts that cord.

You're no longer defined by what they did. You're free.

When It Aligns with Your Values

If forgiveness is important to your spiritual or religious beliefs, and you genuinely want to practice it, it can be healing.

But only if it's authentic, not forced.

The Forgiveness Process

Phase 1: Feel the Anger (Don't Skip This)

You can't forgive what you haven't fully felt.

1. Allow yourself to be angry
2. Express it safely (journaling, therapy, screaming into a pillow)
3. Don't judge yourself for the anger
4. Anger is valid. It's protective. It's necessary.

Stay here as long as you need. Months. Years. However long it takes.

Phase 2: Grieve the Loss

Forgiveness requires grieving what you lost.

• The relationship you thought you had
• The parent/partner/friend you needed
• Your innocence, safety, or trust
• The life you would have had without the trauma

Grieve fully. Cry. Rage. Mourn.

Phase 3: Understand (Not Excuse)

Understanding why they did it doesn't excuse it, but it can help you release resentment.

• "They were hurt people who hurt people"
• "They were doing the best they could with what they had" (even if it was terrible)
• "Their actions were about them, not about me"

Important: Understanding is NOT excusing. What they did was still wrong.

Phase 4: Decide If You Want to Forgive

This is a choice. You don't have to.

Ask yourself:

• "Do I want to release this resentment?"
• "Will forgiveness serve me?"
• "Am I ready?"

If the answer is no, that's okay. You can revisit this later, or never.

Phase 5: The Forgiveness Ritual (If You Choose It)

If you decide to forgive, make it a conscious, sacred act.

1. Write a letter to the person (you don't send it)
2. Express everything you feel
3. Then write: "I choose to release my resentment. I forgive you, not because you deserve it, but because I deserve peace."
4. Burn the letter (safely)
5. As it burns, visualize the resentment leaving your body
6. Say: "I release you. I am free."

Phase 6: Ongoing Practice

Forgiveness isn't one-and-done. It's a practice.

• You might need to forgive again and again
• Anger might resurface—that's normal
• Each time, you choose to release it again

Types of Forgiveness

Forgiveness Without Reconciliation

You can forgive someone and never speak to them again.

• You release resentment
• But you maintain boundaries
• You don't let them back into your life

This is healthy forgiveness.

Forgiveness With Reconciliation

Sometimes, after forgiveness, you choose to rebuild the relationship.

Only do this if:

• The person has genuinely changed
• They've taken accountability
• They've made amends
• You feel safe
• You WANT the relationship

Don't reconcile out of obligation or pressure.

Self-Forgiveness

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

• For not leaving sooner
• For not fighting back
• For freezing
• For trusting them
• For whatever you blame yourself for

Self-forgiveness practice:

1. Acknowledge what you're blaming yourself for
2. Recognize: "I did the best I could with what I knew then"
3. Say: "I forgive myself. I was doing my best to survive."

Forgiveness Practices

The Ho'oponopono Practice

Hawaiian forgiveness practice (5 minutes daily).

Say these four phrases (to yourself, to the person, to the universe):

1. "I'm sorry" (for the pain, the situation, the suffering)
2. "Please forgive me" (for any part you played, or for holding resentment)
3. "Thank you" (for the lesson, the growth, the release)
4. "I love you" (sending love to yourself, to them, to the situation)

Note: This is NOT about taking blame. It's about releasing energetic ties.

The Cord Cutting Ritual

Release energetic attachment without necessarily forgiving (15 minutes).

1. Sit in meditation, visualize the person
2. See the energetic cords connecting you to them
3. Call in Archangel Michael or your guides
4. Visualize cutting the cords with a sword of light
5. Say: "I release these cords. I reclaim my energy. I am free."
6. You don't have to forgive them to cut cords

The Metta (Loving-Kindness) Practice

Buddhist practice of sending well-wishes (10 minutes).

1. Start with yourself: "May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I be at peace."
2. Then to someone you love: "May you be happy..."
3. Then to a neutral person
4. Then (if you're ready) to the person who hurt you: "May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be at peace."

Important: Only do the last step if you're genuinely ready. Don't force it.

What Forgiveness Doesn't Require

• Doesn't require telling them: You can forgive in your heart without ever speaking to them
• Doesn't require their apology: You can forgive even if they never apologize
• Doesn't require their change: You can forgive even if they're still the same person
• Doesn't require forgetting: You can forgive and still remember what happened
• Doesn't require trust: You can forgive and never trust them again

When Forgiveness Becomes Spiritual Bypassing

Red Flags

• Forgiving before you've felt the anger
• Forgiving to avoid conflict or discomfort
• Forgiving because you "should"
• Forgiving to prove you're "spiritual" or "evolved"
• Forgiving while still in danger
• Forgiving to maintain a relationship that harms you

Genuine Forgiveness

• Comes after fully feeling the pain
• Is a choice, not an obligation
• Serves YOUR healing, not others' comfort
• Doesn't require reconciliation
• Maintains boundaries
• Is done when YOU'RE ready

Alternatives to Forgiveness

You can heal without forgiving. Here are alternatives:

• Acceptance: "This happened. I can't change it. I accept the reality."
• Release: "I release my attachment to this resentment."
• Indifference: "This person no longer has power over me. I'm indifferent to them."
• Justice: "I pursue accountability and justice instead of forgiveness."
• Boundaries: "I protect myself. That's enough."

The Deeper Truth

Forgiveness is not required for healing. It's not a moral obligation. It's not a sign of spiritual advancement.

Forgiveness is a tool. Sometimes it serves you. Sometimes it doesn't.

You get to decide if, when, and how you forgive. No one else.

And if you never forgive? That's okay too. You can still heal. You can still be whole. You can still be free.

Your healing is yours. Your forgiveness is yours. Your choice is yours.

Next: Trauma-Informed Tarot Reading—ethical considerations.