Loss and Internal Locus: Grieving with Worth Intact

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

You can grieve fully and your worth stays intact. This is internal locus applied to loss. When children experience loss - death of loved one, pet, significant change - internal locus allows healthy grieving. They can feel deep sadness AND know their worth is stable. Loss is painful but doesn't diminish value. External locus complicates grief. When worth feels damaged by loss, grief becomes shame. Your job is to teach: "Loss is painful. Grief is valid. AND your worth stays intact. You're valuable through all of this."

Why External Locus Complicates Grief

Worth Damaged by Loss: "I'm less valuable because of this loss." Loss diminishes worth. External locus complicates grief.

Grief as Weakness: "I shouldn't feel this sad." Grief becomes shameful. External locus prevents healthy grieving.

Conditional Worth: "I was only valuable because of [lost person/thing]." Worth depended on what's now gone. External locus.

Shame About Sadness: "Something's wrong with me for being this sad." Grief becomes external locus issue.

How Internal Locus Supports Healthy Grieving

1. Worth Intact Through Grief

What to Teach:

- "Your worth doesn't change because of loss"

- "You're valuable through grief"

- "Loss is painful AND you're still inherently worthy"

- "Grief doesn't diminish your value"

Why: Worth stability allows healthy grieving. Internal locus.

2. Grief is Valid

What to Validate:

- "It's okay to be sad"

- "Grief is natural and healthy"

- "All your feelings are valid"

- "There's no 'right' way to grieve"

Why: Validating grief without shame supports internal locus.

3. Loss Doesn't Define You

What to Teach:

- "This loss is part of your story, not all of it"

- "You're more than this grief"

- "Loss doesn't define your worth or identity"

- "You're still you, even through this"

Why: Prevents identity fusion with loss. Internal locus.

4. Provide Support and Presence

What to Offer:

- Be present with their grief

- Don't rush healing

- Listen without fixing

- Reassure worth and love

- Professional support if needed

Why: Support helps maintain internal locus through grief.

5. Model Healthy Grieving

What to Show:

- You grieve without shame

- Your worth stays intact through loss

- Grief is natural, not weakness

- You heal while honoring loss

Why: Children learn from what you do. Model internal locus through grief.

What NOT to Do

Don't Shame Grief: "Stop crying." "Get over it." "You're too sad." Invalidates grief and creates external locus.

Don't Rush Healing: "You should be over this by now." Grief has no timeline.

Don't Minimize Loss: "It was just a pet." "At least..." Invalidates pain.

Don't Make Grief About You: "This is hard for me too." Child needs support, not to support you.

The Bottom Line

Support healthy grieving with internal locus. Worth intact through grief, grief is valid, loss doesn't define you, provide support and presence, model healthy grieving. Loss is painful. Grief is natural. AND worth stays stable through it all. Your child can grieve fully while knowing they're valuable. This is internal locus through loss - feeling deep sadness without worth being diminished, healing while honoring grief.

---

Next: Trauma and Internal Locus - Healing with Support

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026