Avoiding Comparison: "You're You, They're Them"

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

"You're you, they're them." This simple phrase is powerful. When you avoid comparing your child to others - siblings, peers, cousins - you build internal locus. Children learn their worth is inherent, not comparative. They don't have to be "better than" or "as good as" to be valuable. When you compare, you create external locus. Worth becomes dependent on ranking, performance, being ahead. Comparison is the thief of joy and the creator of external locus.

Why Comparison Creates External Locus

Makes Worth Comparative: "I'm only valuable if I'm better than others." This is external locus - worth depends on comparison.

Creates Competition: Children compete instead of collaborate. Relationships become about winning, not connecting.

Damages Self-Acceptance: "I'm not good enough as I am. I need to be like them." Comparison prevents accepting yourself.

Generates Anxiety: Constant measuring against others creates anxiety. "Am I ahead? Am I behind?"

What Comparison Looks Like

Positive Comparison:

- "You're so much better than [other child]!"

- "You're the best!"

- "You're smarter/faster/stronger than them"

Why It Harms: Even positive comparison creates external locus. Worth depends on being "better than."

Negative Comparison:

- "Why can't you be like [other child]?"

- "[Other child] can do it, why can't you?"

- "You're not as good as them"

Why It Harms: Creates shame and external locus. "I'm not good enough."

How to Avoid Comparison

1. Celebrate Individual Strengths

Instead of: "You're better at drawing than [sibling]!"

Say: "You love drawing! You use so many colors."

Why: Celebrates THEIR strength without comparing to others.

2. Honor Different Timelines

Instead of: "[Other child] is already potty trained. Why aren't you?"

Say: "You'll use the potty when you're ready. Everyone learns at their own pace."

Why: Respects individual development. No comparison to others' timelines.

3. Teach "Different, Not Better/Worse"

Instead of: "Your tower is better than theirs!"

Say: "You built a tall tower. They built a wide one. Different designs!"

Why: Teaches differences are just differences, not rankings.

4. Avoid Ranking Language

Instead of: "You're the fastest!"

Say: "You run really fast!"

Why: Describes THEIR ability without ranking against others.

5. Focus on Personal Progress

Instead of: "You're ahead of [other child]!"

Say: "You're learning so much! You couldn't do that last month!"

Why: Compares child to their own past, not to others.

Practical Non-Comparison by Situation

Siblings:

❌ "Why can't you be neat like your sister?"

✅ "You're you, she's her. You each have your own strengths."

Peers:

❌ "You're so much smarter than the other kids!"

✅ "You worked hard on that problem!"

Development:

❌ "[Other child] is already talking in sentences!"

✅ "You're learning new words every day! Everyone develops at their own pace."

Abilities:

❌ "You're the best artist!"

✅ "You love creating art! You're so creative."

Behavior:

❌ "[Other child] is being so good. Why can't you?"

✅ "You're having a hard time right now. What do you need?"

When Others Compare

Family, friends, teachers may compare:

Redirect: "We don't compare. Each child is unique."

Reframe for Child: If child hears comparison, reframe. "Grandma said you're better than [cousin]. But you're you, they're them. You're both wonderful in your own ways."

Set Boundaries: "Please don't compare the children. We're celebrating each child's uniqueness."

Teaching Collaboration, Not Competition

Instead of: "Who can clean up fastest?"

Try: "Let's clean up together!"

Instead of: "Who's the best helper?"

Try: "Thank you both for helping!"

Instead of: "Let's see who wins!"

Try: "Let's play together!"

When Child Compares Themselves

Children will compare themselves:

Child: "I'm not as good as [other child]."

You: "You're you, they're them. You each have your own strengths. What do YOU like about what you made?"

Child: "They're better than me."

You: "Different, not better. You're both good at different things. You're valuable just as you are."

The Bottom Line

Avoid comparing your child to others. Celebrate individual strengths, honor different timelines, teach "different not better/worse," avoid ranking language, focus on personal progress. "You're you, they're them." This builds internal locus - worth is inherent, not comparative. Comparison creates external locus - worth depends on being better than others. Your child is valuable simply for being themselves, not for being better than anyone else.

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Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026