Comparison and Internal Locus: Your Unique Path

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

Comparison is the thief of joy and the creator of external locus. When children constantly compare themselves to others - measuring worth by being ahead or behind, better or worse - they develop external locus, anxiety, and lost authenticity. When children focus on their own unique path - celebrating their own progress, honoring their own journey - they develop internal locus and genuine self-knowledge. Your job is to teach: "You're you, they're them. Your path is yours. Their path is theirs. Both are valuable."

Why Comparison Creates External Locus

Worth = Ranking: "I'm only valuable if I'm better than others." Worth depends on comparison. External locus.

Constant Measuring: "Am I ahead? Am I behind?" Anxiety from constant comparison. External locus.

Lost Authentic Path: "I should be like them." Comparison prevents knowing your own path. External locus.

Never Enough: "Someone is always ahead." Comparison creates perpetual inadequacy. External locus.

How to Build Internal Locus Without Comparison

1. Your Unique Path is Valuable

What to Teach:

- "Your path is yours. Their path is theirs. Both are valuable."

- "You don't have to be like anyone else"

- "Your unique journey matters"

- "There's no single 'right' path"

Why: Honoring unique paths prevents comparison. Internal locus.

2. Compare to Your Own Past, Not Others

What to Ask:

- "How have you grown?"

- "What can you do now that you couldn't before?"

- "How have you improved?"

- "What's your personal progress?"

Why: Self-comparison shows growth. Other-comparison creates external locus.

3. Celebrate Others Without Diminishing Self

What to Teach:

- "They're doing well. That doesn't make you less valuable."

- "You can celebrate others' success without feeling inadequate"

- "Their achievement doesn't diminish yours"

- "There's enough success for everyone"

Why: Abundance mindset prevents comparison-based worth. Internal locus.

4. Focus on Personal Goals

What to Encourage:

- "What do YOU want to achieve?"

- "What matters to YOU?"

- "What are YOUR goals?"

- Not "How can you beat them?"

Why: Personal goals are internal. Beating others is external.

5. Model Comparison-Free Living

What to Show:

- Don't compare yourself to others

- Don't compare your children to each other or others

- Celebrate your own path

- Abundance mindset, not scarcity

Why: Children learn from what you do. Model internal locus.

What NOT to Say

"You're better than [other child]": Creates comparison-based worth. External locus.

"Why can't you be like [other child]?": Comparison and shame. External locus.

"You're ahead/behind [other child]": Makes worth about ranking. External locus.

"Everyone else can do this": Comparison creates shame. External locus.

When Child Compares Themselves

If Child Says: "I'm not as good as them"

- "You're you, they're them. You each have your own strengths."

- "Your worth doesn't depend on being 'as good as' anyone."

- "What do YOU want to work on?"

If Child Says: "They're better than me"

- "Different, not better. You're both valuable."

- "They're good at that. You're good at other things."

- "Your unique strengths matter."

If Child Says: "I'll never be like them"

- "You don't have to be like them. You get to be you."

- "Your path is different. That's good."

- "What do you want for yourself?"

The Bottom Line

Build internal locus without comparison. Your unique path is valuable, compare to own past not others, celebrate others without diminishing self, focus on personal goals, model comparison-free living. Comparison creates external locus - worth depends on ranking, constant anxiety, lost authentic path. Internal locus means your path is yours, their path is theirs, both are valuable. You're you, they're them. Your unique journey matters.

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Next: Competition and Internal Locus - Healthy Striving

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026