Romantic Relationships: Love as Worth

BY NICOLE LAU

Series: Locus and Relationships - Worth in Connection (Part 2 of 8)

"You are my everything."

"I can't live without you."

"You make me complete."

These are the words of romantic love. But they are also the words of external locus.

Romantic relationships are the most common and intense form of relational worth-seeking. When romantic love becomes the container of worth, the relationship transforms from connection to survival mechanism.

This article explores codependency in romantic context, the romantic value vacuum, and what secure love from internal locus looks like.

Codependency Revisited: The Romantic Context

We explored codependency in the core series (Part II-3). But romantic relationships deserve special attention because they are where codependency is most normalized, even celebrated.

What Codependency Looks Like in Romance

1. Identity Fusion: "We" Replaces "I"

The person loses sense of self outside the relationship. Their preferences, interests, values, and identity merge with their partner's.

Examples:

• "I don't know what I like anymore. I just like what they like."
• "I can't make decisions without them."
• "I don't have hobbies. We do everything together."

This is not healthy togetherness. This is worth fusion. The person does not exist as a separate self—they exist only as part of "we."

2. Constant Reassurance-Seeking

"Do you still love me?" "Are you sure?" "Prove it."

The person needs constant validation because their worth depends on their partner's love. Any doubt, any distance, any conflict triggers the value vacuum.

This is exhausting for both partners. The seeker is never satisfied (because external validation cannot fill the internal void). The giver feels pressured and drained.

3. People-Pleasing and Loss of Boundaries

The person cannot say no. They prioritize their partner's needs, wants, and feelings over their own—not out of generosity, but out of fear.

The fear is: If I displease them, they will leave. And if they leave, I am worthless.

This creates resentment. The person gives and gives, but it is not freely given—it is worth transaction. "I give you what you want so you will love me so I will be worthy."

4. Jealousy and Control

When worth depends on the relationship, any threat to the relationship is a threat to worth.

The person becomes hypervigilant to signs of their partner's interest in others, distance, or independence. They may become controlling, possessive, or jealous—not because they are "crazy," but because they are terrified of the value vacuum.

5. Inability to Tolerate Separateness

The person cannot handle their partner having separate interests, friendships, or time alone. Separateness feels like abandonment.

This is not love. This is enmeshment—the inability to tolerate the other person as a separate self.

"I Am Nothing Without You": The Romantic Value Vacuum

The Structure

When romantic love is the primary source of worth, the structure is:

1. I am valuable when I am loved. (External locus)
2. This person loves me, therefore I am worthy. (Worth = relationship)
3. If they stop loving me, I am worthless. (Value vacuum threat)
4. I must do everything to keep their love. (People-pleasing, control, fusion)

This is not love. This is worth dependence.

Why Romantic Love Is Such a Powerful Worth Container

1. Intensity and Intimacy

Romantic love is intense. It involves physical intimacy, emotional vulnerability, and deep connection. This makes it a very compelling worth source.

When someone sees you, desires you, chooses you—it feels like proof of worth. And when that is withdrawn, it feels like annihilation.

2. Cultural Narratives

Western culture teaches that romantic love is the ultimate validation. "Finding the one" is presented as life's purpose. Being single is pitied. Being loved is success.

This reinforces external locus: You are valuable if you are loved.

3. Biological Bonding

Romantic love involves neurochemical bonding (oxytocin, dopamine). This creates real attachment. But when worth is tied to the attachment, the biological bond becomes a worth addiction.

The person is not just bonded—they are dependent. The relationship is not just connection—it is survival.

The Romantic Value Vacuum in Action

Scenario 1: The Breakup

When the relationship ends, the person does not just grieve the loss of connection. They experience total worthlessness.

"I am nothing without them." "I don't know who I am." "I can't exist alone."

This is the value vacuum. The external source of worth is gone. And there is no internal foundation to fall back on.

Scenario 2: The Threat

Even the threat of loss triggers the vacuum. A fight, a moment of distance, a perceived lack of interest—any of these can open the void.

The person panics. They cling, they demand reassurance, they try to control. Not because they are irrational, but because their worth is at stake.

Scenario 3: The Comparison

When the partner shows interest in someone else—or even just mentions an ex, a friend, a colleague—the person feels worthless.

"They are better than me." "I am not enough." "I will be replaced."

This is not just jealousy. This is comparative worth. The person's value depends on being chosen, being preferred, being "the one."

Secure Love from Internal Locus

What It Looks Like

When romantic love comes from internal locus, the structure is different:

1. I am valuable whether I am in a relationship or not. (Internal locus)
2. I choose this person because I love them, not because I need them for worth. (Love from fullness)
3. If the relationship ends, I will grieve the loss, but I will not lose my worth. (Resilience)
4. I can be myself, set boundaries, and tolerate conflict. (Authenticity)

This is secure love.

Key Characteristics of Secure Romantic Love

1. Interdependence, Not Codependence

The person maintains a sense of self within the relationship. They have their own interests, friendships, values, and identity. They are connected, but not fused.

"We" exists, but so does "I."

2. Love as Choice, Not Need

The person loves their partner because they choose to, not because they need to for worth.

"I want you" is different from "I need you to be worthy."

3. Boundaries Without Guilt

The person can say no, express preferences, and set limits without fearing abandonment or worthlessness.

They know: My worth does not depend on pleasing you. I can disappoint you and still be valuable.

4. Conflict as Information, Not Threat

Disagreement does not trigger the value vacuum. The person can tolerate conflict, hear criticism, and engage in difficult conversations without feeling worthless.

We will explore this in depth in Article 7 of this series.

5. Tolerance for Separateness

The person can handle their partner having separate interests, friendships, and time alone. Separateness is not abandonment—it is healthy autonomy.

6. Resilience to Loss

If the relationship ends, the person grieves deeply. But they do not collapse into worthlessness. They know: I am valuable whether I am loved or not.

The Paradox of Secure Love

Here is the paradox: The less you need your partner for worth, the more secure and fulfilling the relationship becomes.

When you do not need the other person to validate your worth:

• You can be authentic (no performing for approval)
• You can set boundaries (no people-pleasing)
• You can handle conflict (disagreement is not worth threat)
• You can love freely (not transactionally)
• You can let go if needed (breakup is loss, not annihilation)

This creates secure attachment. Your partner feels less pressure. You feel less anxiety. The relationship becomes a place of connection, not survival.

Case Example: From Codependency to Secure Love

Emma's Story

Presentation: Emma, 29, came to therapy after a painful breakup. She described feeling "like I don't exist anymore." She had lost herself in the relationship—her interests, her friends, her identity. When her partner left, she felt worthless.

Pattern: Emma had external relational locus. Her worth depended entirely on being loved. She people-pleased, sought constant reassurance, and could not tolerate being alone.

Treatment:

• Phase 1: Psychoeducation on external locus and the romantic value vacuum
• Phase 2: Identifying the belief: "I am valuable only if I am loved"
• Phase 3: Building internal worth: "I am valuable whether I am in a relationship or not"
• Phase 4: Practicing being alone without seeking the next relationship
• Phase 5: Dating from internal locus: choosing connection, not seeking worth

Outcome: After 18 months, Emma entered a new relationship. But this time, she maintained her sense of self. She set boundaries. She could tolerate conflict. She loved from fullness, not need.

Emma: "I love him. But I don't need him to be worthy. I am whole on my own. This relationship is a choice, not a survival mechanism."

Practice: Assessing Your Romantic Locus

Reflection Questions

1. Do I feel valuable when I am in a romantic relationship and worthless when I am single?
2. Do I lose myself in relationships—my interests, preferences, identity?
3. Do I constantly seek reassurance that my partner loves me?
4. Do I people-please, unable to say no or set boundaries?
5. Do I feel jealous or threatened when my partner has separate interests or friendships?
6. Does conflict feel catastrophic, like my worth is at stake?
7. Do I stay in unhealthy relationships because being alone feels unbearable?
8. If my partner left, would I feel like I don't exist?

If you answered yes to most of these, you likely have external romantic locus.

Shifting to Internal Locus in Romance

1. Build Worth Outside the Relationship

Cultivate interests, friendships, and activities that are yours alone. Your worth cannot depend solely on the relationship.

2. Practice Being Alone

Spend time alone without seeking validation or distraction. Notice that you still exist, you are still valuable.

3. Set One Boundary

Say no to one thing. Express one preference. Notice that your partner does not leave, and you are still worthy.

4. Tolerate Conflict

When disagreement arises, practice: "This is just a disagreement. My worth is not at stake."

5. Remind Yourself

"I am valuable whether I am loved or not. I choose this relationship from fullness, not need."

What Comes Next

We have explored romantic love as worth. The next article examines Attachment and Locus: The Developmental Link—how early attachment patterns create relational locus patterns that persist into adulthood.

Understanding this link is essential. Because the way you were loved as a child shapes how you love as an adult. And it shapes where you place your worth.