Projection in Relationships: Seeing Your Shadow in Others

BY NICOLE LAU

You're furious at your partner for being selfish. You're disgusted by your friend's neediness. You're triggered by your coworker's arrogance.

But here's the uncomfortable truth: what you're seeing in them is often what you can't see—or won't accept—in yourself.

This is projection: the psychological defense mechanism where you attribute your own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or qualities to someone else. You see your shadow in them instead of in yourself.

Projection is one of the biggest obstacles to healthy relationships and genuine self-awareness. But when you learn to recognize it, it becomes one of the most powerful tools for shadow work and personal growth.

This is your complete guide to projection in relationships.

What Is Projection?

Projection is when you see in others what you deny in yourself.

Coined by Sigmund Freud and expanded by Carl Jung, projection happens when:

• You have a quality, feeling, or desire you can't accept in yourself
• You unconsciously push it out of your awareness (into your shadow)
• You then "see" that quality in other people
• You react strongly to it in them (judgment, disgust, anger, or idealization)

Example: You were taught that anger is bad, so you suppress your own anger. But you're constantly triggered by other people's anger. You see them as "too angry" or "out of control." What you're actually seeing is your own disowned anger reflected back to you.

How Projection Works in Relationships

Negative Projection: Seeing Your Shadow

You project the parts of yourself you judge as "bad."

• You judge your partner as selfish → You have disowned selfishness in yourself
• You're disgusted by your friend's neediness → You suppress your own needs
• You're triggered by someone's arrogance → You deny your own desire for recognition
• You hate someone's weakness → You can't accept your own vulnerability

The pattern: What you judge most harshly in others is what you can't accept in yourself.

Positive Projection: Seeing Your Disowned Light

You can also project positive qualities you don't believe you have.

• You idealize your partner as "so confident" → You deny your own confidence
• You see your friend as "so creative" → You suppress your own creativity
• You think someone is "so wise" → You don't recognize your own wisdom

The pattern: What you admire excessively in others is often what you possess but don't claim.

Signs You're Projecting

• Intense emotional reaction: You're disproportionately angry, disgusted, or triggered
• Black-and-white thinking: "They're ALWAYS selfish" or "They're NEVER considerate"
• Repetitive patterns: Every partner/friend has the same "flaw"
• Inability to see nuance: You can't see their good qualities, only the triggering one
• Defensiveness when questioned: "I'm NOT like that!" (strong denial)
• The quality feels familiar: Deep down, you recognize it—because it's yours

Common Projections in Romantic Relationships

Projecting Neediness

What you see: "My partner is so needy and clingy. They always want attention."

What's actually happening: You have needs you're not expressing. You learned that having needs is shameful, so you suppress them. But they don't disappear—you see them in your partner instead.

Shadow work: Acknowledge your own needs. Practice asking for what you need.

Projecting Anger

What you see: "My partner is always angry. They overreact to everything."

What's actually happening: You suppress your own anger. You were taught anger is bad, so you push it down. But you're constantly triggered by your partner's anger because it reminds you of your own.

Shadow work: Allow yourself to feel and express anger healthily.

Projecting Selfishness

What you see: "My partner is so selfish. They only think about themselves."

What's actually happening: You deny your own needs and desires. You've learned to be selfless to the point of self-abandonment. Your partner's self-care triggers you because you can't give yourself permission to be "selfish."

Shadow work: Practice healthy selfishness. Prioritize your own needs sometimes.

Projecting Weakness/Vulnerability

What you see: "My partner is too sensitive. They cry over everything."

What's actually happening: You suppress your own vulnerability. You learned that showing emotion is weak. Your partner's tears trigger you because you can't let yourself cry.

Shadow work: Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Cry when you need to.

Projecting Sexuality

What you see: "My partner is too sexual" or "My partner isn't sexual enough."

What's actually happening: You have disowned parts of your own sexuality. Either you suppress your desires (and judge your partner for having them) or you deny your lack of desire (and judge your partner for not matching your suppressed libido).

Shadow work: Explore your own sexuality honestly. What do you actually want?

The Projection Process: How to Reclaim Your Shadow

Step 1: Notice the Trigger

What quality in someone else triggers you intensely?

Write it down. Be specific.

Step 2: Ask "Do I Have This Quality?"

This is the hardest step. Be brutally honest.

• "Am I ever selfish?" (Yes. Everyone is sometimes.)
• "Am I ever needy?" (Yes. Everyone has needs.)
• "Am I ever angry?" (Yes. Even if you don't show it.)

If you immediately think "NO, I'm NEVER like that!"—that's a sign you're projecting.

Step 3: Find Examples

When have you been this way?

Even if it's subtle, even if it's rare, find examples. You'll find them if you're honest.

Step 4: Reclaim the Quality

Say: "Yes, I have this quality. It's part of me."

This doesn't mean you act on it destructively. It means you acknowledge it exists.

Step 5: Find the Gift

Every shadow quality has a gift when integrated.

• Selfishness → Healthy self-care and boundaries
• Neediness → Vulnerability and connection
• Anger → Assertiveness and protection of boundaries
• Weakness → Authenticity and emotional depth

The Mirror Exercise for Relationships

Your partner is your mirror. What you see in them is what you need to see in yourself.

The Practice

1. Identify the trigger: What quality in your partner triggers you?
2. Write it down: "My partner is [quality]."
3. Flip it: "I am [quality]."
4. Find proof: When have you been this way? Write specific examples.
5. Reclaim it: "Yes, I have this quality. It's part of being human."
6. Integrate it: How can you express this quality in a healthy way?

Example

Trigger: "My partner is so controlling."

Flip: "I am controlling."

Proof: "I control by being passive-aggressive. I control by withholding. I control by being 'helpful' when not asked. I control by managing everyone's emotions."

Reclaim: "Yes, I try to control things. I do this because I'm afraid of chaos or being hurt."

Integrate: "I can have preferences and boundaries without controlling others. I can ask for what I need directly."

When It's NOT Projection

Not every judgment is projection. Sometimes people actually are behaving badly.

It's Likely Projection If:

• Your reaction is disproportionate to the situation
• You see this quality in EVERYONE
• You can't see any good in the person, only the triggering quality
• You're defensive when someone suggests you might have this quality too

It's Likely NOT Projection If:

• The person is objectively behaving harmfully (abuse, manipulation, etc.)
• Your reaction is proportionate
• You can see their good qualities AND the problematic behavior
• Other people also notice this behavior

Important: Don't use projection as an excuse to stay in abusive relationships. If someone is abusing you, that's real—not projection.

Projection and Compatibility

Sometimes what feels like incompatibility is actually projection.

You think: "We're incompatible because they're too [quality] and I'm not."

But often: You both have that quality. You just express it differently, or one of you has disowned it.

Example: You think your partner is "too emotional" and you're "logical." But you're both emotional—you just suppress yours and judge theirs.

When you reclaim your projection, you often find you're more compatible than you thought.

Healing Projection in Relationships

1. Take Responsibility

Stop blaming your partner for triggering you. Your triggers are YOUR responsibility to heal.

2. Communicate Differently

Instead of: "You're so selfish!"

Try: "When you do [behavior], I feel [emotion]. I'm noticing I might be projecting my own [quality] onto you. Can we talk about this?"

3. Do Your Own Shadow Work

Don't expect your partner to change so you don't have to face your shadow. Do the work yourself.

4. Appreciate the Mirror

Thank your partner for showing you your shadow. They're giving you a gift, even if it doesn't feel like it.

The Deeper Truth

Your relationships are mirrors. Every person who triggers you is showing you a part of yourself you haven't integrated.

This doesn't mean you're responsible for their behavior. It means you're responsible for your reaction to it.

When you stop projecting and start reclaiming your shadow, your relationships transform. You see people as they actually are, not as reflections of your disowned parts.

And you become whole.

Next: Shame and the Solar Plexus—healing core wounds.