Extended Family and Internal Locus: Setting Boundaries

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

Extended family can be wonderful support - or they can undermine everything you're building. Grandparents who use "good baby/bad baby" labels, aunts who compare your baby to cousins, relatives who give conditional approval - these influences can damage the internal locus foundation you're creating. Setting boundaries with extended family isn't mean. It's protective. Your job is to protect your child's foundation, even from well-meaning family. Your boundaries matter more than their feelings.

Why Boundaries with Extended Family Matter

They Can Undermine Your Work: You're building internal locus. They might be teaching external locus. Mixed messages confuse baby.

Old Patterns Are Strong: Extended family often parent the way they were parented. If that included external locus, they'll pass it on unless you stop them.

Your Child, Your Rules: You're the parent. You get to decide how your child is raised, not extended family.

Protection Is Love: Protecting your child from harmful influences - even from family - is loving, not mean.

Common Extended Family Patterns That Harm Internal Locus

1. "Good Baby" vs "Bad Baby" Labels

What They Say: "Oh, you're being such a good baby!" (when quiet) or "Don't be a bad baby!" (when crying)

Why It Harms: Creates conditional worth. Baby learns they're only good when compliant.

Your Boundary: "We don't use good/bad labels. Baby is just expressing needs."

2. Comparison to Other Babies

What They Say: "Why isn't baby sitting yet? Cousin was sitting at this age!" or "Baby is so much better than [other baby]!"

Why It Harms: Creates external locus through comparison. Worth depends on being "ahead" or "better than."

Your Boundary: "We don't compare. Baby develops at their own perfect pace."

3. Conditional Approval

What They Do: Only warm when baby is easy. Cold or critical when baby is fussy.

Why It Harms: Teaches love is conditional. Baby learns they're only valuable when easy.

Your Boundary: "Please stay warm with baby even when they're fussy. We want them to know love is constant."

4. Undermining Your Parenting

What They Say: "You're spoiling that baby!" or "Let them cry it out!" or "You're too soft!"

Why It Harms: Undermines your authority and your approach. Creates doubt.

Your Boundary: "This is how we're parenting. Please respect our choices."

5. Pressure to Perform

What They Do: Push baby to perform (smile, wave, show off skills) for their entertainment.

Why It Harms: Teaches baby they exist to perform for others' approval. External locus.

Your Boundary: "Baby doesn't have to perform. They're valuable just being themselves."

How to Set Boundaries

1. Be Clear and Direct

What to Say: "We don't use good/bad labels with baby." Not "Maybe we could try not saying that?"

Why: Clear boundaries are easier to respect. Vague requests get ignored.

2. Explain Once (Maybe)

What to Say: "We're raising baby with unconditional love. That means no good/bad labels."

Why: Brief explanation can help. But you don't owe lengthy justification. You're the parent.

3. Enforce Consistently

What to Do: Every time boundary is crossed, redirect. "Remember, we don't compare baby to others."

Why: Consistency teaches family you're serious. Inconsistency teaches boundaries don't matter.

4. Limit Contact If Needed

What to Do: If family won't respect boundaries, limit their time with baby.

Why: Your child's foundation matters more than family's feelings. Protect it.

5. End Visits When Boundaries Violated

What to Do: "You keep using good/bad labels after we asked you not to. We're going to leave now."

Why: Actions speak louder than words. Show you're serious.

Specific Boundary Scripts

For "Good Baby" Labels:

"We don't use good/bad labels. Baby is just being a baby. Please say 'I love you' instead."

For Comparison:

"Please don't compare baby to others. They're developing perfectly on their own timeline."

For Conditional Approval:

"Please stay warm with baby even when they're fussy. We want them to know love doesn't change based on behavior."

For Undermining:

"We've made our parenting choices. Please respect them even if you disagree."

For Pressure to Perform:

"Baby doesn't have to wave/smile/perform. They're valuable just being themselves."

When Family Pushes Back

"You're Too Sensitive!"

Response: "This is important to us. Please respect our boundary."

"We Raised You Fine!"

Response: "We're doing things differently. Please respect that."

"You're Spoiling That Baby!"

Response: "Research shows responsive parenting creates secure attachment. This is our choice."

"I'm Just Trying to Help!"

Response: "The most helpful thing is respecting our parenting choices."

For Supportive Extended Family

Some family will support your approach:

Educate Them: Share articles, explain internal locus, help them understand.

Appreciate Them: Thank them for respecting boundaries. Positive reinforcement works.

Include Them: Supportive family can be wonderful. Let them be close.

Model Together: When extended family models internal locus too, baby gets even stronger foundation.

The Bottom Line

Set boundaries with extended family to protect your child's internal locus foundation. Not all family influence is helpful. Grandparents who use good/bad labels, relatives who compare, family who give conditional approval - these patterns harm. Be clear, direct, consistent. Limit contact if needed. Your child's foundation matters more than family's feelings. Your boundaries are protective, not mean. You're the parent. Your authority matters.

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Next: Daycare and Internal Locus - Choosing Caregivers (Final article of Part I)

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026