Avoiding Comparison: Each Baby's Unique Timeline

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

"Why isn't my baby rolling over yet? Other babies are already sitting!" Comparison is the thief of joy - and the creator of external locus. When you compare your baby to others, you teach them their worth depends on meeting milestones early, being "ahead," performing well. When you honor your baby's unique timeline, you teach them they're valuable at their own pace. This is internal locus: worth that doesn't depend on comparison or achievement.

Why Comparison Harms

Creates External Locus: Comparison teaches worth depends on being "better than" or "as good as" others. This is external locus.

Generates Anxiety: For you and baby. You're anxious about milestones. Baby feels your anxiety and learns something's wrong with their pace.

Damages Self-Acceptance: Baby learns they're not okay as they are. They need to be different (faster, earlier, better) to be valuable.

Pressures Development: Pushing baby to meet milestones early can backfire. Development happens in its own time.

Misses Uniqueness: Every baby is unique. Comparison makes you miss your baby's individual beauty.

What Comparison Looks Like

Milestone Anxiety:

- "Why isn't my baby sitting yet? Other babies are!"

- Constantly checking milestone charts

- Worrying when baby is "behind"

- Feeling pride only when baby is "ahead"

Comparing to Other Babies:

- "[Other baby] is already crawling!"

- "Why can't you be like [other baby]?"

- Feeling competitive with other parents

- Judging your baby against others

Pushing Development:

- Forcing tummy time when baby hates it

- Trying to make baby sit before ready

- Anxiously "working on" milestones

- Making development a performance

What Honoring Unique Timeline Looks Like

1. Trust Your Baby's Pace

What It Means: Believing your baby will develop in their own time. Not rushing or worrying.

How to Practice:

- Observe baby's development with curiosity, not judgment

- Trust their body knows what it's doing

- Don't compare to milestone charts anxiously

- Celebrate their unique timeline

Teaches: "I'm valuable at my own pace. My timeline is valid."

2. Celebrate Individual Progress

What It Means: Celebrating YOUR baby's progress, not comparing to others.

How to Practice:

- Notice what YOUR baby is doing

- Celebrate their unique developments

- Don't compare to other babies

- Appreciate their individual journey

Teaches: "My progress matters. I don't have to be like others."

3. Respect Temperament

What It Means: Some babies are cautious, some are bold. Some develop physically fast, some cognitively. All are valid.

How to Practice:

- Learn your baby's temperament

- Honor their unique way of being

- Don't wish they were different

- Celebrate who they are

Teaches: "I'm valuable as I uniquely am."

4. Use Milestones as Guides, Not Judgments

What It Means: Milestone ranges are wide. They're guides for checking in, not rigid standards.

How to Practice:

- Know the ranges (not just the "average")

- Check for delays that need support

- But don't anxiously compare

- Trust development is individual

Teaches: "There's a range of normal. I'm within it."

5. Avoid Comparison Language

What It Means: Not comparing your baby to others, even positively.

Instead of: "You're so much better than [other baby]!"

Say: "Look what you can do! You're amazing!"

Instead of: "Why can't you be like [other baby]?"

Say: "You're developing in your own perfect time."

Understanding Developmental Ranges

Wide Ranges Are Normal:

- Rolling: 2-7 months

- Sitting: 4-9 months

- Crawling: 6-10 months (some skip it!)

- Walking: 9-18 months

All Within Range Are Normal: A baby who walks at 18 months is just as normal as one who walks at 9 months.

Different Areas Develop Differently: Some babies are physically advanced but language delayed. Some are opposite. All normal.

When to Actually Worry

Avoiding comparison doesn't mean ignoring real delays:

Check With Pediatrician If:

- Baby is outside the range for multiple milestones

- Baby is losing skills they had

- You have genuine concerns (not just comparison anxiety)

But Remember: Most "delays" are just individual timelines. Trust your pediatrician, not comparison to other babies.

Managing Your Own Comparison Anxiety

Notice It: When you're comparing, notice. "I'm feeling anxious about milestones."

Question It: "Is this real concern or comparison anxiety?"

Refocus: Look at YOUR baby. What are they doing? Celebrate that.

Get Support: If comparison anxiety is overwhelming, talk to someone. This might be your own external locus showing up.

The Bottom Line

Avoid comparing your baby to others. Each baby has a unique timeline, and all timelines within the normal range are valid. When you honor your baby's individual pace, you teach them they're valuable as they are, they don't have to be "ahead" or "better than" to be worthy. This is internal locus. Your baby is perfect on their own timeline. Trust that. Celebrate that. This is the gift of honoring uniqueness.

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Next: Caregiver Self-Care - Modeling Internal Locus

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026