Divorce and Internal Locus: Not Your Fault

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

Divorce is not your fault. This is internal locus applied to family change. When children know divorce isn't their fault - when worth stays intact through family transition, when they're not responsible for parents' relationship - they develop internal locus and resilience. When children blame themselves or feel their worth depends on intact family, they develop external locus, shame, and lasting damage. Your job is to teach: "Divorce is not your fault. Both parents still love you. Your worth doesn't depend on family structure. You're valuable always."

Why Self-Blame Creates External Locus

"It's My Fault": Children often blame themselves for divorce. "If I were better, they'd stay together." This is external locus and false responsibility.

Worth = Intact Family: "I'm only valuable if my family is together." Worth depends on family structure. External locus.

Shame About Divorce: "Something's wrong with me/my family." Divorce becomes source of shame. External locus.

Conditional Love: "If they loved me enough, they'd stay together." Misunderstanding creates external locus.

How to Build Internal Locus Through Divorce

1. Not Your Fault

What to Say Repeatedly:

- "Divorce is not your fault"

- "This is about the adult relationship, not you"

- "Nothing you did caused this"

- "You couldn't have prevented it"

Why: Explicit messaging prevents self-blame. Internal locus.

2. Worth Intact Through Change

What to Teach:

- "Your worth doesn't depend on family structure"

- "You're valuable in any family configuration"

- "Family change doesn't change your worth"

- "You're inherently valuable, always"

Why: Worth stability through change builds internal locus.

3. Both Parents Still Love You

What to Reassure:

- "Both parents love you"

- "Divorce is about our relationship, not our love for you"

- "You're not losing either parent"

- "Love for you doesn't change"

Why: Continued love reassures worth. Internal locus.

4. Feelings Are Valid

What to Validate:

- "It's okay to feel sad, angry, confused"

- "All your feelings are valid"

- "You can feel however you feel"

- "Feelings don't mean you're bad or wrong"

Why: Validating feelings without shame builds internal locus.

5. Provide Stability and Support

What to Offer:

- Consistent routines where possible

- Both parents involved (if safe)

- Therapy/counseling support

- Reassurance and love

- Stability in worth messaging

Why: Stability and support help maintain internal locus through change.

What NOT to Do

Don't Blame Child: "If you behaved better..." Never. Divorce is never child's fault.

Don't Use Child as Messenger: "Tell your mom/dad..." Puts child in middle. Harmful.

Don't Badmouth Other Parent: Damages child's sense of self and creates external locus.

Don't Make Child Choose: "Who do you want to live with?" Too much pressure. Not their decision.

The Bottom Line

Build internal locus through divorce. Not your fault, worth intact through change, both parents still love you, feelings are valid, provide stability and support. Divorce is painful for children. Internal locus helps them heal with worth intact. Your child is not responsible for divorce. Their worth doesn't depend on family structure. They're valuable always. This is internal locus through family transition.

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Next: Loss and Internal Locus - Grieving with Worth Intact

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026