Emotional Validation: All Feelings Are Welcome

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

"All feelings are welcome." This is emotional validation. When you accept and validate all of your child's emotions - anger, sadness, frustration, fear, joy - without judgment, you build internal locus. Children learn: "My feelings are valid. I'm not bad for feeling. Emotions are information, not identity." When you dismiss, minimize, or shame feelings, you create external locus. Children learn to suppress emotions and seek external validation. Emotional validation is internal locus foundation.

Why Emotional Validation Builds Internal Locus

Validates Inner Experience: "My feelings matter. My inner experience is real and valid." This is trusting yourself - internal locus.

Prevents Emotional Suppression: When feelings are welcome, children don't have to suppress or hide them. They can be authentic. This is internal locus.

Builds Emotional Intelligence: Children learn to recognize, name, and understand emotions. This is self-awareness - internal locus.

Separates Feelings from Worth: "I can feel angry AND I'm still valuable." Feelings don't change worth. This is internal locus.

What Emotional Validation Looks Like

1. Name the Feeling

What to Say:

- "You're feeling angry"

- "You seem sad"

- "You're frustrated"

- "You're scared"

Why: Naming helps child recognize and understand their emotions. This is emotional literacy.

2. Accept the Feeling

What to Say:

- "It's okay to feel angry"

- "All feelings are welcome"

- "You're allowed to be sad"

- "Feeling frustrated is normal"

Why: Acceptance teaches feelings aren't bad. Child isn't bad for feeling. This is internal locus.

3. Validate the Reason

What to Say:

- "You're upset because you wanted to keep playing"

- "You're sad because your friend left"

- "You're angry because I said no"

- "That makes sense"

Why: Validation shows their feelings make sense. Their experience is real and understandable.

4. Stay Present

What to Do: Stay with child through their feelings. Don't leave, dismiss, or distract.

Say: "I'm here with you" or "I'm staying right here"

Why: Presence through emotions teaches feelings are safe to feel. You won't abandon them for feeling.

5. Separate Feeling from Behavior

What to Say: "You can feel angry AND you can't hit. Let's find another way to show your anger."

Why: All feelings are okay. Not all behaviors are okay. This is important distinction.

What NOT to Do

Dismissing:

- "You're fine!"

- "It's not a big deal"

- "Stop crying"

Why It Harms: Teaches feelings don't matter. Child learns to suppress emotions and distrust their experience. External locus.

Minimizing:

- "That's nothing to cry about"

- "You're overreacting"

- "It's not that bad"

Why It Harms: Invalidates their experience. Teaches they can't trust their feelings.

Shaming:

- "Big kids don't cry"

- "You're being a baby"

- "Stop being so sensitive"

Why It Harms: Creates shame about emotions. Teaches feelings are bad. External locus.

Fixing/Rescuing:

- Immediately trying to make feeling go away

- Distracting from emotion

- "Here, have a cookie"

Why It Harms: Teaches feelings should be avoided, not felt. Prevents emotional processing.

Practical Validation by Emotion

Anger:

❌ "Stop being angry!"

✅ "You're really angry. It's okay to feel angry. You can't hit, but you can stomp your feet or squeeze this pillow."

Sadness:

❌ "Don't cry! You're fine!"

✅ "You're so sad. It's okay to cry. I'm here with you."

Frustration:

❌ "It's not that hard! Stop whining!"

✅ "You're frustrated because that's tricky. It's okay to feel frustrated. Want to take a break or keep trying?"

Fear:

❌ "There's nothing to be scared of!"

✅ "You're scared. That's okay. I'm right here. You're safe."

Jealousy:

❌ "Don't be jealous! That's not nice!"

✅ "You're feeling jealous. That's a normal feeling. You wish you had what they have."

Teaching Emotional Regulation

Validation doesn't mean no regulation:

First Validate: "You're so angry" (accept the feeling)

Then Regulate: "Let's take some deep breaths together" (help manage the feeling)

Not: Skip validation and go straight to "calm down." Validate first, then help regulate.

When You Struggle to Validate

Sometimes their emotions trigger yours:

Notice: "Their anger is triggering my anger."

Regulate Yourself: Breathe. Ground. Calm your nervous system.

Then Validate: Once you're regulated, you can validate them.

Repair: If you dismissed their feelings, repair. "I said you were fine. But you weren't fine. You were upset. I'm sorry. Your feelings matter."

The Bottom Line

Validate all feelings. Name the feeling, accept it, validate the reason, stay present, separate feeling from behavior. All feelings are welcome - anger, sadness, frustration, fear, joy. This builds internal locus: children learn their feelings are valid, they're not bad for feeling, emotions are information not identity. Dismissing, minimizing, or shaming feelings creates external locus. Emotional validation is internal locus foundation.

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Next: Avoiding Comparison - "You're You, They're Them"

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026