Sexuality and Internal Locus: Pleasure from Self

BY NICOLE LAU

The Psychology of Internal Locus: Why Most Suffering is Optional - Module 4: Adult Internal Locus Development (18+) - Part I: Young Adult Period (18-30)

Your sexuality. Your desires. Your pleasure. These feel like they need validation. You're sexy if someone wants you. You're desirable if you perform well. Your worth depends on being sexually appealing, sexually skilled, sexually available. This is external locus in sexuality. And it's stealing your pleasure.

This is the sexuality = worth equation. Your value depends on how others perceive your sexuality. You're performing, not experiencing. You're seeking validation, not pleasure. You're disconnected from your own body, your own desires, your own authentic sexuality.

But here's the truth: Your sexuality is yours. Your pleasure is yours. Your worth isn't your sexual appeal or sexual performance. You're inherently valuable, regardless of your sexuality. This is internal locus in sexuality. This is sexual liberation.

The External Locus Sexuality Pattern

Let's name what external locus looks like in sexuality:

Sexual Appeal as Worth: You're worthy if you're sexy, desirable, wanted. Worthless if you're not. Your value depends on others' sexual interest in you. This is external locus creating suffering.

Performance Pressure: You have to perform sexually. Be good at sex. Know what to do. Please your partner. Your worth depends on sexual performance. This is external locus creating anxiety.

Validation Seeking: You need sexual attention to feel worthy. You need to be desired. You use sexuality to get validation. This is external locus in sexual behavior.

Disconnection from Self: You're focused on how you look, how you're performing, what they're thinking. You're not present in your body. You're not experiencing pleasure. This is external locus stealing presence.

Shame and Judgment: You judge your desires, your body, your sexuality. Too much, too little, too weird, too vanilla. You're constantly measuring against standards. This is external locus creating shame.

This pattern creates: sexual dysfunction, performance anxiety, disconnection from pleasure, shame, people-pleasing in bed, inability to communicate needs, risky sexual behavior for validation, sexual trauma.

The Internal Locus Alternative

What does sexuality from internal locus look like?

Worth Independent of Sexual Appeal: You're valuable whether you're sexy or not, desired or not, sexually active or not. Your worth isn't your sexual appeal. This is internal locus foundation.

Pleasure as Priority: Sex is about mutual pleasure, connection, exploration. Not performance. Not validation. You're present in your body, experiencing sensation, enjoying pleasure. This is internal locus in sexuality.

Self-Validation: You don't need sexual attention to feel worthy. You know your value. Sexual desire from others is nice, but not necessary. This is internal locus.

Body Presence: You're in your body during sex. Feeling sensations. Experiencing pleasure. Not performing, not monitoring, not judging. This is internal locus in embodiment.

Sexual Authenticity: You honor your desires, your boundaries, your preferences. You communicate what you want. You don't perform sexuality that isn't yours. This is internal locus in sexual expression.

Understanding Sexual Shame

Why sexual shame exists and how it's harmful:

Cultural Conditioning: Most cultures have sexual shame. Too much sex = slut. Too little = prude. Wrong kind = deviant. This is external locus as social control. Your sexuality is policed.

Gender Double Standards: Women are shamed for sexuality. Men are pressured to perform. Non-binary people are erased. This is external locus as sexism and heteronormativity.

Purity Culture: Virginity as worth. Sex as dirty. Bodies as shameful. This is external locus creating trauma. Your sexuality is pathologized.

Performance Standards: You should want sex all the time. You should orgasm easily. You should look perfect. These standards are impossible. This is external locus creating dysfunction.

Comparison Culture: You compare your sexuality to others', to porn, to media representations. You feel inadequate. This is external locus stealing authenticity.

Building Internal Locus in Sexuality

How to shift from external to internal locus:

1. Separate Worth from Sexual Appeal: Practice: "My worth isn't my sexiness. I'm valuable whether I'm desired or not. Sexual appeal doesn't determine my value." This is internal locus foundation.

2. Prioritize Your Pleasure: What feels good to you? What do you enjoy? Center your pleasure, not performance. This is internal locus in sexual experience.

3. Communicate Your Needs: Tell partners what you want, what you don't want, what feels good. Your needs matter. This is internal locus in sexual communication.

4. Practice Body Presence: During sex, come back to your body. Feel sensations. Breathe. Be here. Not in your head judging, performing, monitoring. This is internal locus in embodiment.

5. Challenge Sexual Shame: Question where shame comes from. Whose rules are these? Who benefits from your shame? Challenge internalized messages. This is internal locus in awareness.

6. Honor Your Boundaries: You can say no. You can stop. You can change your mind. Your boundaries are valid. This is internal locus in consent.

7. Explore Your Sexuality: What do you like? What are you curious about? Explore from curiosity, not performance. This is internal locus in sexual discovery.

Common Sexuality Struggles

Specific areas where external locus shows up:

Performance Anxiety: You're anxious about sexual performance. Internal locus response: "Sex isn't a performance. It's mutual pleasure. I'm enough as I am. I'll communicate and be present."

Body Image During Sex: You're worried about how you look. Internal locus response: "My worth isn't my appearance. I'm here to experience pleasure, not be looked at. I'll focus on sensation, not appearance."

Orgasm Pressure: You feel you should orgasm, or make partner orgasm. Internal locus response: "Orgasm isn't the goal. Pleasure is. I'll be present and enjoy the experience, regardless of outcome."

Sexual Desire Discrepancy: Your desire doesn't match partner's or societal expectations. Internal locus response: "My desire level is valid. I'm not broken. I'll communicate honestly and find what works for us."

Sexual Orientation Questions: You're questioning your sexuality. Internal locus response: "My sexuality is mine to discover. I don't need to label it immediately. I'm valid in my exploration."

Kink or Fetish Shame: You have desires you're ashamed of. Internal locus response: "My desires are valid (if consensual and safe). I'm not broken. I can explore what interests me without shame."

Healing Sexual Shame and Trauma

Practical strategies for sexual healing:

1. Sex-Positive Education: Learn about sexuality from sex-positive sources. Books, podcasts, educators. Accurate information counters shame. This is internal locus in sexual literacy.

2. Self-Pleasure Practice: Explore your own body. Learn what feels good. This is about you, not performance. This is internal locus in sexual self-knowledge.

3. Mindful Sexuality: Practice being present during sexual experiences. Notice sensations. Breathe. Come back to body. This is internal locus in embodiment.

4. Communication Skills: Learn to communicate desires, boundaries, needs. Practice with partners. This is internal locus in sexual agency.

5. Therapy: If sexual shame or trauma is significant, seek sex-positive therapy. EMDR for trauma, somatic therapy for embodiment. This is internal locus in healing.

6. Community: Find sex-positive communities. People who celebrate diverse sexuality. You need mirrors that reflect sexual health. This is internal locus in support.

7. Unlearn Shame: Actively challenge shameful messages. Where did they come from? Are they true? You can unlearn what you were taught. This is internal locus.

When Sexual Issues are Clinical

Sometimes sexual struggles indicate deeper issues:

Sexual Trauma: If you've experienced sexual assault, abuse, coercion - this is trauma. Trauma-informed therapy helps. Your healing matters. This is necessary suffering that needs professional support.

Sexual Dysfunction: Persistent pain, inability to orgasm, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus - these can have medical or psychological causes. See a doctor and/or sex therapist. This is internal locus in healthcare.

Compulsive Sexual Behavior: If sexuality feels out of control, if it's interfering with life - seek help. This might be addiction or compulsion. This is internal locus in mental health.

Gender Dysphoria: If discomfort with body is about gender, not just appearance - explore gender identity. Therapy, community support help. This is internal locus in identity.

Diverse Sexualities, All Valid

Understanding that all sexualities are legitimate:

Asexuality: Low or no sexual attraction. This is valid. You're not broken. Asexuality is a sexual orientation. This is internal locus.

LGBTQ+ Identities: Gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, queer - all valid. Your sexuality is yours. You're not wrong. This is internal locus in orientation.

Kink and BDSM: Consensual kink is valid. You're not deviant. Safe, sane, consensual exploration is healthy. This is internal locus in sexual expression.

Polyamory: Ethical non-monogamy is valid. You're not broken. Different relationship structures work for different people. This is internal locus in relationships.

High or Low Libido: Your desire level is valid. You're not too much or too little. You're you. This is internal locus.

Pleasure from Self

This is the message for sexuality: Your sexuality is yours. Your pleasure is yours. Your worth isn't your sexual appeal or sexual performance.

You're valuable whether you're sexy or not, sexually active or not, desired or not. Your sexuality is valid - whatever it looks like.

Prioritize your pleasure. Honor your boundaries. Communicate your needs. Be present in your body. Challenge shame. Explore authentically.

This is sexuality with internal locus. This is pleasure from self. This is sexual liberation.