Sexuality and Worth

BY NICOLE LAU

Series: Locus and Body - Worth in Embodiment (Part 3 of 6)

"I am valuable if I am sexually desirable."

"I am worthless if no one wants me."

"My worth is in my sexual performance."

Sexuality is one of the most intimate sites where worth and body intersect. Sexual desirability, sexual performance, sexual identity—all can become measures of value.

This is sexual external locus. And it creates profound suffering in one of life's most vulnerable domains.

This article explores sexual desirability as worth, sexual performance anxiety as external locus, and embodied sexuality from internal locus.

Sexual Desirability as Worth

The Pattern

"I am valuable when I am sexually desirable. I am worthless when I am not."

This is desirability external locus. Worth depends on being wanted sexually.

How Sexual Desirability Becomes Worth

1. Objectification and Sexual Value

When bodies are objectified, they are valued primarily for sexual appeal. This is especially true for women, who are often reduced to sexual objects.

"Your value is in your sexual desirability. If you are sexually desirable, you are worthy. If not, you are worthless."

Result: Worth becomes fused with sexual appeal.

2. Cultural Messages

Media, advertising, and culture constantly reinforce: "Being sexually desired is the ultimate validation."

• Movies and TV show desirable people as valuable, undesirable people as invisible or comic relief
• Advertising uses sexual desirability to sell products
• Social media rewards sexually appealing content with likes and attention

Message: Sexual desirability = worth.

3. Romantic Rejection as Worth Rejection

When sexual desirability is worth, romantic or sexual rejection becomes worth rejection.

"They do not want me sexually. Therefore, I am worthless."

This is not just disappointment—it is existential threat.

Manifestations

1. Constant Monitoring of Desirability

"Am I attractive? Am I sexy? Do people want me?"

You constantly monitor whether you are sexually desirable, using others' reactions as worth feedback.

Result: Hypervigilance, anxiety, inability to be present.

2. Sexual Attention as Validation

"Someone finds me attractive. Therefore, I am worthy."

Sexual attention becomes proof of worth. You seek it constantly.

Result: Dependence on external validation, vulnerability to exploitation.

3. Loss of Desirability as Worth Collapse

Aging, weight gain, illness, or any change that reduces sexual desirability feels catastrophic.

"I am no longer desirable. Therefore, I am worthless."

Result: Terror of aging, desperate attempts to maintain desirability, worth collapse when desirability fades.

4. Comparison and Competition

"They are more sexually desirable than me. Therefore, they are more valuable."

Sexual desirability becomes competitive. You compare yourself to others.

Result: Envy, insecurity, never enough.

Sexual Performance Anxiety: External Locus in Intimacy

What Is Sexual Performance Anxiety?

Sexual performance anxiety is the fear and stress experienced around sexual activity—fear of not performing well, not satisfying a partner, or being judged.

This is not just nervousness. This is worth terror in sexual form.

Sexual Performance Anxiety as External Locus

The pattern:

1. I am valuable when I perform sexually well
2. I am worthless when I do not perform well
3. Sex is a performance to be evaluated
4. My partner's satisfaction determines my worth

This is sexual external locus. Worth depends on sexual performance.

Why It Happens

1. Sex as Performance, Not Connection

When sex is seen as performance rather than connection, it becomes a worth test.

"I must perform well to prove I am worthy. If I fail, I am worthless."

2. Partner's Pleasure as Worth Proof

"If my partner is satisfied, I am worthy. If not, I am worthless."

Your partner's pleasure becomes proof of your value.

3. Cultural Scripts

Culture teaches rigid scripts for sexual performance:

• Men must be always ready, always hard, always able to perform
• Women must be always desirable, always responsive, always pleasing

Deviation from these scripts = failure = worthlessness.

Manifestations

1. Erectile Dysfunction (Men)

Performance anxiety can cause or worsen erectile dysfunction. The fear of not performing creates the very problem feared.

"I must get hard to be worthy. I cannot get hard. Therefore, I am worthless."

Result: Shame, avoidance of sex, relationship strain.

2. Inability to Orgasm or Enjoy Sex

When sex is performance, you cannot relax and enjoy. You are monitoring: Am I doing this right? Are they satisfied?

Result: Inability to orgasm, lack of pleasure, sex becomes burden.

3. Faking Orgasm or Pleasure

"I must appear to be enjoying this to validate my partner. If I do not, I am failing."

You fake pleasure to perform successfully.

Result: Disconnection from own body, inauthenticity, resentment.

4. Avoidance of Sex

"Sex is a performance I might fail. Better to avoid it."

Performance anxiety leads to sexual avoidance.

Result: Relationship strain, loss of intimacy, shame.

Embodied Sexuality from Internal Locus

The Shift

External locus: "I am valuable when I am sexually desirable and perform well. Sex is a worth test."

Internal locus: "I am valuable whether I am sexually desirable or not. Sex is connection and pleasure, not performance. My worth is inherent."

What Embodied Sexuality Looks Like

1. Sex as Connection, Not Performance

"Sex is about connection, intimacy, and pleasure—not about proving worth."

You are present with your partner, not performing for evaluation.

Result: Deeper intimacy, more pleasure, less anxiety.

2. Pleasure as Birthright

"I am worthy of pleasure. I do not need to earn it through performance."

You can receive pleasure without needing to prove yourself.

Result: Ability to enjoy sex, to be present in your body.

3. Communication Without Shame

"I can communicate my needs and boundaries without fear of being worthless."

You can say what you want, what you do not want, without shame.

Result: Better sex, healthier relationships, authentic intimacy.

4. Imperfection Without Catastrophe

"Sex does not always go perfectly. That is okay. I am still valuable."

Erectile dysfunction, difficulty orgasming, awkward moments—these are not worth failures.

Result: Resilience, ability to laugh, less pressure.

5. Desirability Without Dependence

"It is wonderful to be desired. But I am valuable whether desired or not."

You can enjoy being desired without needing it to feel worthy.

Result: Freedom from validation-seeking, healthier relationships.

6. Aging and Changing Bodies

"My body is changing. My sexuality is evolving. I am still valuable. I am still sexual."

You can be sexual at any age, in any body.

Result: Lifelong sexuality, not just youth-based.

Case Example: From Sexual Performance Anxiety to Embodied Sexuality

Ryan's Story

Background: Ryan, 34, experienced severe sexual performance anxiety. He believed his worth depended on sexual performance. This created erectile dysfunction, which reinforced his worthlessness.

External locus phase: "I must perform sexually to be worthy. I cannot get hard. Therefore, I am worthless. I am not a real man." Ryan avoided sex, which strained his relationship. He felt ashamed and broken.

Crisis: Ryan's partner said: "I do not care about perfect performance. I care about connection with you." But Ryan could not believe it. His worth was too tied to performance.

Locus work:

• Recognized pattern: "I believe my worth depends on sexual performance. This is external locus."
• Separated performance from worth: "I am valuable whether I perform perfectly or not"
• Reframed sex: "Sex is connection, not performance. I do not need to prove myself."
• Practiced communication: "I can talk about my anxiety without shame"
• Built internal worth: "I am valuable simply because I exist"

Outcome: After 6 months, Ryan's performance anxiety decreased significantly. His erectile dysfunction improved. More importantly, he could be present and intimate without terror. Sex became joyful again.

Ryan: "I believed I was worthless if I could not perform sexually. That belief created the very problem I feared. Now I know: I am valuable whether I perform or not. Sex is connection, not a test. That freed me."

Practice: Embodied Sexuality from Internal Locus

Reflection Questions

1. Do I believe my worth depends on sexual desirability or performance?
2. Do I experience sex as performance or connection?
3. Do I seek sexual attention to feel worthy?
4. Can I communicate my needs without shame?
5. Can I be sexual in my body as it is?

Practices for Sexual Internal Locus

1. Separate Desirability from Worth

"I am valuable whether sexually desirable or not. Desirability is not worth."

2. Reframe Sex as Connection

"Sex is about connection and pleasure, not performance. I do not need to prove myself."

3. Affirm Pleasure as Birthright

"I am worthy of pleasure. I do not need to earn it."

4. Practice Communication

"I can communicate my needs, boundaries, and desires without shame."

5. Embrace Imperfection

"Sex does not always go perfectly. That is okay. I am still valuable."

What Comes Next

We have explored sexuality and worth. The next article examines Eating Disorders Revisited: Body as Worth Container—a deeper dive into body-as-external-locus, control and worth fusion, and recovery through reclaiming the body as self.

This is where we explore one of the most severe manifestations of body external locus.