Extracurriculars: Choosing from Joy, Not Resume Building

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

Extracurriculars chosen from joy build internal locus. When children do activities because they genuinely love them - art because they love creating, soccer because they love playing, coding because they're curious - they develop intrinsic motivation, passion, and internal locus. When activities are chosen for resume building, college applications, or parental pressure, children develop external locus, burnout, and resentment. Let your child choose from joy. Their genuine interests matter more than an impressive resume.

Why Resume-Driven Activities Create External Locus

External Motivation: "I do this for college applications, not because I love it." This is external locus.

Performative Living: Life becomes about looking good on paper, not authentic engagement. External locus.

Burnout: Overscheduled with activities they don't love creates exhaustion and resentment.

Lost Authenticity: Child loses touch with what they actually enjoy. External locus prevents self-knowledge.

How to Choose Extracurriculars from Joy

1. Follow Their Genuine Interest

What to Ask:

- "What are you curious about?"

- "What sounds fun to you?"

- "What do you want to try?"

- Not "What will look good on applications?"

Why: Genuine interest creates intrinsic motivation and internal locus.

2. Let Them Try and Quit

What It Means: They can try activities and stop if they don't enjoy them.

Say: "Try it for a few weeks. If you don't like it, you can stop."

Why: Freedom to quit prevents being trapped in activities they hate. Teaches self-knowledge.

3. Quality Over Quantity

What It Means: Better to do one activity they love deeply than five they're lukewarm about.

Don't: Overschedule to build impressive resume

Do: Leave time for free play, rest, family, boredom

Why: Depth of engagement matters more than breadth. Prevents burnout.

4. Avoid Parental Pressure

Don't Say:

- "You should do this, it will look good for college"

- "Everyone does this activity"

- "I did this when I was your age"

- "You need more activities on your resume"

Do Say:

- "What interests you?"

- "What do you want to explore?"

- "You choose"

Why: Their interests, not yours. Their life, not your do-over.

5. Celebrate Engagement, Not Achievement

What to Notice:

- "You really love doing this"

- "You're so engaged when you play"

- "You light up during practice"

- Not just "You won!" or "You're the best!"

Why: Engagement and joy matter more than winning or being best. Internal locus.

Red Flags: Resume-Driven Approach

Overscheduling: Every afternoon and weekend filled. No downtime.

Child's Resistance: "I don't want to go" consistently. They're not enjoying it.

Your Motivation: You're more invested than they are. You're pushing.

College Talk: Discussing college applications with elementary schooler. Too early, too much pressure.

Comparison: "Other kids are doing more activities." External locus.

When to Encourage Commitment

Balance between letting them quit and teaching commitment:

Finish the Season/Session: "You committed to this season. Let's finish it. Then you can decide about next season."

Why: Teaches honoring commitments without being trapped forever.

But If Truly Miserable: It's okay to quit mid-season. Mental health matters more than commitment.

Age-Appropriate Approach

Early Elementary (6-8):

- Try different things

- Short commitments

- Focus on fun and exploration

- No pressure

Late Elementary (9-12):

- May develop deeper interests

- Can commit longer

- Still follow their joy, not resume

- Quality over quantity

The Value of Unstructured Time

Not every hour needs to be scheduled:

Free Play: Develops creativity, imagination, self-direction

Boredom: Sparks creativity and intrinsic motivation

Family Time: Connection matters

Rest: Prevents burnout

Balance: Some structured activities they love + plenty of unstructured time.

The Bottom Line

Choose extracurriculars from joy, not resume building. Follow their genuine interest, let them try and quit, prioritize quality over quantity, avoid parental pressure, celebrate engagement not just achievement. Activities chosen from joy build intrinsic motivation, passion, and internal locus. Resume-driven activities create external locus and burnout. Your child's genuine interests matter more than an impressive resume. Let them explore what they love.

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Next: Sports and Internal Locus - Playing for Love of Game

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026