Internal vs External Locus of Value: Why Most Suffering is Optional

BY NICOLE LAU

The Root Cause of Unnecessary Pain

Here's a radical proposition:

Most of the suffering you experience is not inevitable. It's created by where you place your sense of value.

Not all suffering, of course. Death, illness, natural disasters, systemic oppression—these are real and unavoidable (until we change the systems).

But the suffering that comes from:

• Being rejected
• Being criticized
• Not being recognized
• Not being loved the way you want
• Not achieving what you think you should

This suffering? It only exists because your sense of value is located outside yourself.

And here's the deeper truth:

The Darkness Path often reinforces external locus of value, while the Light Path builds internal locus of value.

This is why the Light Path is not just "easier" or "more pleasant."

It's more fundamental. It addresses the root cause of unnecessary suffering.

I. What is Locus of Value?

A. The Concept

Locus of value = where you locate your sense of worth, meaning, and identity.

External locus of value:

• Your worth depends on others' opinions
• Your meaning comes from achievements, status, recognition
• Your identity is defined by roles, relationships, external markers
• You need validation to feel okay

Internal locus of value:

• Your worth is inherent, not earned
• Your meaning comes from your own sense of purpose
• Your identity is self-defined, not externally imposed
• Validation is nice, but not necessary

This is related to (but distinct from) locus of control in psychology:

• Locus of control = where you believe power resides (internal vs external)
• Locus of value = where you believe worth resides (internal vs external)

B. How External Locus Creates Suffering

When your value is external, you're in a constant state of vulnerability:

Scenario 1: Rejection

• External locus: "They rejected me → I'm not good enough → I have no value" → Suffering
• Internal locus: "They rejected me → We're not a match → My value is unchanged" → No suffering

Scenario 2: Criticism

• External locus: "They criticized me → I'm flawed → I'm worthless" → Suffering
• Internal locus: "They criticized me → Interesting feedback → I'll consider it" → No suffering

Scenario 3: Lack of Recognition

• External locus: "No one noticed my work → It has no value → I have no value" → Suffering
• Internal locus: "No one noticed my work → That's okay, I know its value" → No suffering

Notice: The external event is the same. The suffering only exists when value is external.

C. The Value Vacuum

When you have external locus of value, rejection/criticism/lack of recognition creates a value vacuum:

1. You believe your value comes from external sources
2. External source withdraws (rejection, criticism, absence)
3. Suddenly you have no value (vacuum)
4. This vacuum is terrifying
5. You experience intense suffering

But if your value is internal:

1. You know your value is inherent
2. External source withdraws
3. Your value remains unchanged
4. No vacuum, no terror
5. No suffering (or minimal, temporary disappointment)

Most psychological suffering is the experience of value vacuum.

II. How the Darkness Path Can Reinforce External Locus

A. "You Must Suffer to Be Worthy"

Many Darkness Path teachings implicitly or explicitly say:

• "No pain, no gain"
• "Suffering purifies you"
• "The dark night is necessary for awakening"
• "If you haven't suffered enough, you're not serious"

This creates a framework where: Your spiritual value is earned through suffering.

This is external locus:

• Your worth depends on how much you've suffered
• Your spiritual status is measured by your dark nights
• You need to prove yourself through endurance

And this creates more suffering:

• You unconsciously seek suffering (to earn worth)
• You stay in painful situations longer ("this is my lesson")
• You judge yourself for not suffering enough ("I'm not going deep enough")

The path itself becomes a source of suffering.

B. The Guru/Student Dynamic

Many spiritual traditions create hierarchies:

• The guru/teacher has value (enlightened, wise, worthy)
• The student lacks value (unenlightened, ignorant, unworthy)
• The student must earn value through practice, devotion, suffering

This is external locus:

• Your value comes from the teacher's approval
• Your worth is measured by your progress on the path
• You need external validation (from teacher, from tradition)

And this can be exploitative:

• Abusive gurus use this dynamic to control students
• Students tolerate abuse because "the teacher knows best"
• Leaving feels like losing all value ("I'll be nothing without this path")

External locus makes you vulnerable to spiritual abuse.

C. Shadow Work as Identity

When shadow work becomes your identity:

• "I'm a trauma survivor"
• "I'm doing deep work"
• "I'm processing my shadow"

Your value becomes tied to:

• How much trauma you've experienced
• How much work you're doing
• How deep you're going

This is external locus (even though it looks internal):

• Your worth depends on your suffering narrative
• You need to maintain the identity to feel valuable
• Healing fully would mean losing your identity (scary!)

This can keep you stuck in suffering.

III. How the Light Path Builds Internal Locus of Value

A. Joy as Birthright, Not Achievement

The Light Path teaches:

Joy is your natural state. You don't need to earn it.

• You celebrate because you're alive (not because you achieved something)
• You dance because it feels good (not because you deserve it)
• You sing because it's your nature (not because you're worthy)

This is internal locus:

• Your value is inherent (you were born with it)
• Joy is your birthright (not a reward)
• You don't need to prove anything

And this prevents suffering:

• When rejected: "My joy is still here, my value unchanged"
• When criticized: "My celebration continues, regardless of opinions"
• When unrecognized: "I know my worth, I don't need external validation"

No value vacuum = no suffering.

B. Celebration as Resistance to External Validation

When you celebrate despite external circumstances:

• You're not waiting for permission to be joyful
• You're not waiting for achievement to celebrate
• You're not waiting for approval to dance

This is radical autonomy:

• "I decide when I'm joyful" (not external circumstances)
• "I define my worth" (not others' opinions)
• "I am complete as I am" (not needing to become something else)

This is why:

• Rastafari celebrate in Babylon (oppression can't steal their joy)
• Enslaved Africans sang spirituals (slavery can't steal their worth)
• Holocaust survivors danced at weddings (genocide can't steal their humanity)

Celebration is an act of reclaiming internal locus of value.

C. Community as Mirror, Not Source

In Light Path traditions:

• Community celebrates with you (not validates you)
• Others reflect your joy (not create it)
• Connection is mutual (not hierarchical)

This is internal locus:

• Your joy exists independently (community amplifies it)
• Your value is inherent (community recognizes it)
• You're complete (community is enhancement, not necessity)

Contrast with external locus:

• You need community to feel valuable
• Without recognition, you feel worthless
• You're incomplete without others' approval

Light Path community empowers. External locus community creates dependency.

IV. The PUA Example: Systematic Destruction of Internal Locus

A. How PUA Works

PUA (Pick-Up Artist) tactics are designed to destroy internal locus of value:

1. Negging (backhanded compliments):

• "You're pretty, but you'd be prettier if..."
• Creates value vacuum ("I'm not enough")
• Makes you seek validation from the negger

2. Hot and Cold (intermittent reinforcement):

• Sometimes attentive, sometimes distant
• Creates anxiety ("What did I do wrong?")
• Makes you desperate for the "hot" moments

3. Gaslighting (reality distortion):

• "You're too sensitive" "That didn't happen" "You're crazy"
• Makes you doubt your own perception
• Transfers authority over reality to the abuser

4. Isolation:

• Separating you from friends, family, support
• Making the abuser your only source of validation
• Complete externalization of value

The result: Your entire sense of value is located in the abuser.

B. Why This is "Extreme Suffering"

When your value is completely external and located in one person who is abusive:

• Every criticism creates massive value vacuum
• Every withdrawal of affection feels like annihilation
• You're in constant terror of losing the only source of value
• You'll do anything to regain approval

This is psychological torture.

And it's not a "dark night of the soul."

It's trauma.

C. Why You Should NOT "Walk Into It"

Some spiritual teachings romanticize suffering:

• "Everything is a lesson"
• "Your abuser is your teacher"
• "This is your dark night"

No.

There's a difference between:

Unavoidable suffering that requires processing:

• Death of loved ones
• Illness
• Natural disasters
• Systemic oppression (until we change it)

Avoidable suffering created by external locus:

• Staying in abusive relationships
• Tolerating exploitation
• Seeking validation from people who diminish you
• Believing you need to suffer to be worthy

You should NOT walk into the second category.

That's not spiritual growth. That's self-harm.

V. Discernment: Necessary vs Unnecessary Suffering

A. The Key Questions

When you're suffering, ask:

1. Is this suffering unavoidable?

• Death, illness, natural disaster, systemic oppression → Yes, unavoidable (for now)
• Rejection, criticism, lack of recognition → No, only painful if value is external

2. Where is my locus of value?

• Do I need this person/achievement/recognition to feel worthy?
• Or do I know my worth is inherent?

3. Am I staying in this situation because of growth or because of external locus?

• Growth: "This is hard, but I'm learning and it's temporary"
• External locus: "I need to prove myself" "I can't leave or I'll be worthless"

4. Is this a dark night or is this trauma?

• Dark night: Spiritual crisis, ego dissolution, temporary, leads to awakening
• Trauma: Abuse, violation, harm, should be escaped, requires healing

B. Red Flags: When Suffering is Unnecessary

You're in unnecessary suffering if:

• You're staying in an abusive relationship "for the lesson"
• You're tolerating exploitation "to prove your worth"
• You're seeking validation from people who consistently diminish you
• You believe you need to suffer to be spiritual
• You're afraid to leave because "I'll be nothing without this"
• Your entire identity is built on your suffering narrative

These are signs of external locus creating unnecessary pain.

C. Green Lights: When to Process Suffering

Process suffering when:

• It's unavoidable (death, illness, systemic oppression)
• You have internal locus (your worth is not at stake)
• You have support and resources
• You're not re-traumatizing yourself
• You're learning and growing (not just enduring)
• There's a clear path forward (not stuck in loop)

This is healthy shadow work.

VI. Building Internal Locus of Value: Practical Steps

A. Recognize Your Inherent Worth

Practice:

• Daily affirmation: "My worth is inherent. I was born with it. I don't need to earn it."
• When seeking validation, pause and ask: "Do I need this or do I just want it?"
• Notice when you're making your worth conditional ("I'll be worthy when...")

B. Celebrate Without Achievement

Practice:

• Dance for no reason
• Sing without audience
• Celebrate ordinary moments (waking up, breathing, being alive)
• Notice: Joy doesn't require external justification

C. Receive Feedback Without Value Collapse

Practice:

• When criticized: "Interesting feedback. My worth is unchanged."
• When rejected: "We're not a match. My value is inherent."
• When praised: "Nice to hear. But I already knew my worth."
• Notice: External feedback is information, not definition

D. Leave Situations That Require External Locus

Practice:

• Identify relationships/situations where you must diminish yourself
• Notice if you're staying because "I need this to be worthy"
• Give yourself permission to leave
• Trust: Your worth goes with you

E. Build Community That Reflects, Not Creates

Practice:

• Seek communities that celebrate you (not validate you)
• Notice the difference: Celebration = "I see your light" / Validation = "I give you worth"
• Choose relationships where you're already whole (not needing to be completed)

VII. Why This is Liberation Theology

A. Personal Liberation

When you have internal locus of value:

• You're free from the tyranny of others' opinions
• You can leave toxic situations
• You don't need to prove yourself
• You're not controlled by fear of rejection

This is psychological freedom.

B. Political Liberation

External locus of value is how systems of oppression work:

• Patriarchy: Women's worth depends on male approval
• Capitalism: Your value equals your productivity
• White supremacy: Worth is tied to proximity to whiteness
• Colonialism: Indigenous worth measured by European standards

When you reclaim internal locus:

• You reject these systems' definitions
• You refuse to be controlled
• You become ungovernable

This is political resistance.

C. Spiritual Liberation

Many religions use external locus to control:

• "You're a sinner" (worthless without God's grace)
• "You need the church" (no salvation outside institution)
• "Obey the guru" (your worth depends on their approval)

When you have internal locus:

• You know the divine is within you
• You don't need intermediaries
• You're already whole

This is spiritual sovereignty.

VIII. The Light Path as Foundation

A. Why Light Path is More Fundamental

The Darkness Path addresses symptoms:

• You're suffering → Process the suffering
• You have shadow → Integrate the shadow
• You're in pain → Sit with the pain

The Light Path addresses root cause:

• Why are you suffering? → External locus of value
• How to prevent unnecessary suffering? → Build internal locus
• What's the foundation of well-being? → Inherent worth

Light Path is preventive. Darkness Path is remedial.

Both are valuable. But prevention is more fundamental.

B. Integration: Using Both

Ideal approach:

1. Build internal locus through Light Path (foundation)
2. When unavoidable suffering comes, use Darkness Path (processing)
3. Return to Light Path (restoration)

This way:

• You're not creating unnecessary suffering (internal locus prevents it)
• You can process necessary suffering (Darkness Path tools)
• You don't get stuck in suffering (Light Path restores you)

This is the complete path.

Conclusion: The Root of Freedom

Most suffering is optional.

Not all. But most.

The suffering that comes from:

• Needing approval
• Seeking validation
• Proving your worth
• Earning your value

This suffering only exists because you've placed your value outside yourself.

And the Light Path offers a radical alternative:

Your worth is inherent.

Your joy is your birthright.

You don't need to earn it, prove it, or suffer for it.

You already have it.

This is not spiritual bypass.

This is not toxic positivity.

This is the foundation of psychological, political, and spiritual liberation.

Because when you know your worth is internal:

• You can't be controlled by others' opinions
• You can't be exploited by systems that demand you prove yourself
• You can't be diminished by rejection or criticism

You are free.

And from that freedom, you can:

• Process unavoidable suffering without being destroyed
• Leave avoidable suffering without guilt
• Celebrate life without needing permission
• Hold complexity without collapsing

This is the Light Path.

This is internal locus of value.

This is the root of freedom.

Next in this series: "When Joy Becomes Armor" — exploring how even internal locus can become defensive, and how to discern when you're using joy to protect vs to liberate.