Unconditional Love During Tantrums: Holding Boundaries with Love

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

Tantrums are the ultimate test of unconditional love. When your toddler is screaming, hitting, completely dysregulated - can you stay loving while holding the boundary? This is the balance: "I love you AND the boundary stays." Not withdrawing love when they're difficult. Not giving in to avoid the upset. Holding firm boundaries with warm presence. This teaches internal locus: "I'm loved even when I'm a mess. Boundaries are safe, not punishment."

Why This Balance Matters

Unconditional Love: Staying warm during tantrums teaches "I'm loved even when difficult." This is internal locus - worth doesn't depend on being easy.

Firm Boundaries: Holding limits teaches "The world has structure. Boundaries keep me safe." This creates security, not external locus.

Together: Love + boundaries = "I'm valuable AND there are limits." This is healthy internal locus with reality testing.

What Doesn't Work: Withdrawing love (creates external locus) OR giving in (creates entitlement and insecurity).

What Unconditional Love During Tantrums Looks Like

1. Stay Regulated

What It Means: Keep your nervous system calm. Don't match their dysregulation.

How:

- Breathe deeply

- Remind yourself: this is development, not defiance

- Stay grounded in your body

- Be the calm in their storm

Teaches: "Big feelings are safe. Someone can hold space for me."

2. Maintain Warm Presence

What It Means: Your warmth doesn't change based on their behavior. You're loving even when they're difficult.

How:

- Stay physically close (if they want)

- Soft voice, soft eyes

- "I'm here with you"

- No coldness, anger, or withdrawal

Teaches: "I'm loved even when I'm a mess. Love is constant."

3. Validate Feelings

What It Means: Name and accept their emotions. All feelings are welcome.

How:

- "You're so upset right now"

- "You really wanted that"

- "It's hard when we can't..."

- Don't dismiss or minimize

Teaches: "My feelings are valid. I'm not bad for feeling upset."

4. Hold the Boundary

What It Means: The limit stays, even through the tantrum. You don't give in to stop the upset.

How:

- "I know you're upset AND we still can't..."

- Stay firm but kind

- Don't negotiate or give in

- The boundary is for their safety/wellbeing

Teaches: "Boundaries are safe. They don't change based on my emotions."

5. Offer Co-Regulation

What It Means: Help them regulate through your calm presence.

How:

- Stay calm yourself

- Offer comfort if they want it

- "I'm here. You're safe."

- Wait with them through the storm

Teaches: "I can return to calm. Someone helps me regulate."

What NOT to Do

Withdrawing Love: Getting cold, angry, or distant during tantrum. Teaches: "I'm only loved when I'm easy." This is external locus.

Giving In: Changing the boundary to stop the tantrum. Teaches: "Tantrums work. I can manipulate to get what I want." Creates insecurity and external locus.

Punishment: Time-outs, yelling, shaming for having feelings. Teaches: "My emotions are bad. I'm bad for feeling."

Dismissing: "Stop crying!" "You're fine!" Teaches: "My feelings don't matter."

Practical Scripts

Setting Boundary:

"I can't let you hit. Hitting hurts. I'm going to stop your hands."

Validating + Boundary:

"You're so upset that we have to leave the park. I understand. AND it's time to go."

During Tantrum:

"You're having such big feelings. I'm right here. You're safe."

Holding Firm:

"I know you want the candy. The answer is still no. I'm here with you while you're upset."

After Tantrum:

"You had such big feelings. You got through them. I love you."

Understanding Tantrums

They're Developmental: Toddlers have big feelings and small regulation skills. Tantrums are normal, not manipulation.

They're Communication: "I'm overwhelmed." "I can't handle this." "I need help regulating."

They're Not Personal: Not about you. Not defiance. Just development.

They Pass: All tantrums end. Your job is to stay regulated and loving while they pass.

When You Mess Up

You will mess up. You'll get angry, withdraw, or give in:

Repair: "I got angry during your tantrum. That wasn't okay. You're allowed to have big feelings. I love you even when you're upset."

Learn: What triggered you? What do you need to stay regulated next time?

Forgive Yourself: You're human. You're learning too. Progress, not perfection.

The Bottom Line

Hold boundaries with love during tantrums. Stay regulated, maintain warm presence, validate feelings, hold the boundary, offer co-regulation. Don't withdraw love when they're difficult. Don't give in to stop the upset. This balance teaches: "I'm loved even when I'm a mess AND boundaries are safe." This is internal locus with healthy structure. Your calm, loving presence through their storm builds their lifelong emotional foundation.

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Next: Celebrating Effort, Not Just Results - Process Over Product

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026