Competition and Internal Locus: Healthy Striving

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

Competition can build internal locus or destroy it. Healthy competition - competing to grow, challenge yourself, improve - builds internal locus. Unhealthy competition - competing to prove worth, desperate to win, worth depends on beating others - creates external locus. Your job is to teach: "Compete to grow, not to prove. Challenge yourself. Enjoy the striving. AND your worth doesn't depend on winning." This is healthy competition with internal locus.

Why Unhealthy Competition Creates External Locus

Worth = Winning: "I'm only valuable if I win." Worth depends on beating others. External locus.

Desperate to Prove: "I must win to prove I'm worthy." Competition becomes about worth validation. External locus.

Others as Threats: "They're my enemy. I must beat them." Relationships become adversarial. External locus.

Devastation in Loss: "I lost, therefore I'm worthless." Worth destroyed by outcomes. External locus.

How to Foster Healthy Competition

1. Compete to Grow, Not to Prove

What to Teach:

- "Compete to challenge yourself and grow"

- "Competition helps you improve"

- "You're not proving your worth. You're developing your skills."

- "Compete for growth, not validation"

Why: Growth motivation is internal. Proving worth is external.

2. Worth Independent of Winning

What to Teach:

- "Your worth doesn't depend on winning"

- "You're valuable whether you win or lose"

- "Winning is nice. It's not necessary for worth."

- "You can compete hard AND know worth is separate"

Why: Explicit separation prevents worth-winning fusion. Internal locus.

3. Respect Opponents

What to Teach:

- "Your opponent is not your enemy"

- "They're helping you grow by challenging you"

- "Respect them. They're valuable too."

- "Compete with them, not against them"

Why: Respect prevents adversarial mindset. Internal locus for all.

4. Focus on Personal Best

What to Ask:

- "Did you do your best?"

- "Did you improve?"

- "What did you learn?"

- "How did you grow?"

Not Just: "Did you win?"

Why: Personal best is internal. Beating others is external.

5. Enjoy the Challenge

What to Encourage:

- "Enjoy the competition"

- "Love the challenge"

- "Have fun striving"

- "The process is valuable, not just the outcome"

Why: Intrinsic enjoyment is internal locus. Outcome focus is external.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Competition

Healthy Competition (Internal Locus):

- Compete to grow and improve

- Worth independent of winning

- Respect for opponents

- Focus on personal best

- Enjoy the challenge

- Gracious in winning and losing

- Learn from competition

Unhealthy Competition (External Locus):

- Compete to prove worth

- Worth depends on winning

- Opponents as enemies

- Must beat others

- Anxiety and pressure

- Poor sportsmanship

- Devastated by loss

What NOT to Do

Don't Make Worth Depend on Winning: "I'm only proud when you win." Creates external locus.

Don't Demonize Opponents: "Beat them! They're the enemy!" Creates adversarial mindset.

Don't Focus Only on Outcomes: "Did you win?" without asking about effort, learning, growth.

Don't Shame Losing: "You should have won!" Creates shame and external locus.

The Bottom Line

Foster healthy competition with internal locus. Compete to grow not to prove, worth independent of winning, respect opponents, focus on personal best, enjoy the challenge. Healthy competition builds skills, resilience, and internal locus. Unhealthy competition creates external locus, anxiety, and worth dependent on beating others. Your child can compete hard, strive to win, AND know their worth doesn't depend on it. This is healthy striving with internal locus.

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Next: Perfectionism Prevention - Good Enough is Good Enough

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026