Healing Your Own External Locus: Breaking the Cycle

BY NICOLE LAU

Childhood Internal Locus Building: Ages 0-12

If you were raised with external locus - conditional love, approval-seeking, perfectionism, people-pleasing - you will unconsciously pass it to your child unless you heal it. This isn't your fault. You didn't choose your childhood. But you can choose to break the cycle. Healing your own external locus is the most important work you can do for your child. Your healing becomes their foundation. This is generational change.

Why Your Healing Matters

You Can't Give What You Don't Have: If you have external locus, you'll unconsciously model and teach it to your child, no matter how hard you try not to.

Patterns Are Unconscious: You don't consciously choose to pass on external locus. It happens automatically through modeling, language, reactions, expectations.

Your Child Absorbs Your Locus: Baby learns more from who you are than what you say. If you're seeking validation, they learn that. If you have inherent worth, they learn that.

Breaking Cycles Requires Healing: You can't just decide not to pass it on. You have to actively heal your own external locus.

Signs You Have External Locus to Heal

Approval-Seeking: You need others' validation. You're anxious about what people think. You can't trust your own judgment.

Perfectionism: You're only valuable when perfect. Mistakes feel catastrophic. You're never good enough.

People-Pleasing: You can't say no. You sacrifice yourself to make others happy. Your needs don't matter.

Conditional Self-Worth: You're only valuable when achieving, performing, being "good." Your worth fluctuates based on external factors.

Comparison: You constantly compare yourself to others. You're either better than (superior) or worse than (inferior). Never just equal.

Shame: Deep sense of being fundamentally flawed or bad. Not just "I did something bad" but "I am bad."

How External Locus Gets Passed On

Through Modeling: Baby sees you seeking approval, being perfectionistic, people-pleasing. They absorb it.

Through Language: "I'm so stupid" (when you make mistake). "What will people think?" (seeking external validation). Baby learns this is how to relate to self.

Through Expectations: If you need baby to be "good" to feel okay about yourself, baby learns their worth depends on your approval.

Through Anxiety: Your external locus creates anxiety. Baby feels it and learns the world isn't safe unless you're perfect/approved.

How to Heal Your External Locus

1. Recognize the Patterns

What to Do: Notice when you're seeking approval, being perfectionistic, people-pleasing. Name it: "This is my external locus."

Why It Helps: Awareness is the first step. You can't change what you don't see.

2. Understand the Origins

What to Do: Reflect on your childhood. How did you learn external locus? What messages did you receive about worth?

Why It Helps: Understanding origins creates compassion. This isn't your fault. You learned this.

3. Reparent Yourself

What to Do: Give yourself what you didn't receive. Unconditional positive regard. Acceptance. Celebration of being, not just doing.

How:

- Talk to yourself with kindness

- Celebrate your existence, not just achievements

- Accept yourself in all states

- Be the parent to yourself you needed

4. Build Unconditional Self-Regard

What to Do: Practice valuing yourself regardless of achievement, approval, or performance.

How:

- "I'm valuable simply because I exist"

- Celebrate being, not just doing

- Notice inherent worth

- Practice self-compassion

5. Set Boundaries

What to Do: Practice saying no. Protect your energy. Stop people-pleasing.

Why It Helps: Boundaries teach you that your needs matter. This is internal locus.

6. Challenge Perfectionism

What to Do: Practice "good enough." Make mistakes on purpose. Be imperfect.

Why It Helps: Perfectionism is external locus. Good enough is internal locus.

7. Get Professional Help

What to Do: Work with therapist who understands external locus, attachment wounds, developmental trauma.

Why It Helps: Deep patterns often need professional support to heal. This is brave, not weak.

Healing While Parenting

It's Messy: You'll mess up. You'll catch yourself modeling external locus. This is normal.

Repair: When you mess up, repair. "I was seeking approval just now. That's my pattern, not yours. You're valuable regardless."

Progress, Not Perfection: You don't have to be fully healed to raise a child with internal locus. Progress matters.

Your Healing Helps Them: Every step you take toward internal locus helps your child. Your healing is their foundation.

The Gift of Breaking Cycles

When you heal your external locus:

You Free Yourself: You get to experience inherent worth. This is liberation.

You Free Your Child: They don't have to carry your wounds. They get a different foundation.

You Free Future Generations: Cycles broken don't get passed on. Your healing ripples forward.

You Model Courage: Your child sees you doing hard work to heal. This teaches them growth is possible.

The Bottom Line

If you were raised with external locus, you must heal it to avoid passing it to your child. This isn't your fault - you didn't choose your childhood. But you can choose to break the cycle. Recognize patterns, understand origins, reparent yourself, build unconditional self-regard, set boundaries, challenge perfectionism, get professional help. Your healing becomes your child's foundation. This is the most important work you can do. This is generational change.

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Next: Co-Parenting with Internal Locus - United Approach

Childhood Internal Locus Building series: Practical guidance for raising children with inherent worth.

— Nicole Lau, 2026